Bitter Humor of Islamic Republic Officials

The statements and behaviors of the officials of the Islamic Republic can be categorized into four areas: political propaganda, nonsensical talk and actions, storytelling, and humor. However, their humor is neither uplifting nor presented with the intent of humor; it is a tragic reflection of the political, administrative, cultural, and social situation in Iran. In this article, I will refer to some instances of this bitter and tragic humor. Appointment to Establishment After "Appointment to Establishment" Immediately after the death of Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani, Ali Khamenei appointed Ali Akbar Velayati, who had never played a role in the establishment and management of Azad University, as one of the founding members of the university—indeed, the chairman of the founding board of a university established over three decades ago. In this exceptional decree, he states: "Considering the poignant absence of the esteemed chairman of the founding board and the board of trustees of the university and the silence of the approved statute of the Supreme Cultural Revolution Council regarding the manner of selecting the chairman of the founding board and the necessity of expediting the selection of a person responsible for this duty, I appoint Dr. Ali Akbar Velayati, a member of that board, as the chairman of the founding board." (January 30, 2017) Those who establish an institution cannot be appointed to the founding board after its establishment, but contradictions are permissible in the vocabulary of Velayat-e Faqih. More ironically, the confirmation of this "appointment to establishment" by the Supreme Leader was followed by the founding board of the university reappointing Velayati as a founding member. According to Hamid Mirzadeh, the president of Azad University and a member of the founding board and board of trustees of this university, at a meeting of the founding board, based on Article 10, Clause 2 of the university's statute, and by unanimous vote, Ali Akbar Velayati was elected as a founding member and trustee of Azad University (ISNA, February 25, 2017), while Velayati himself was present at this meeting (he voted for his own membership). Martyrs Killed by or with the Help of the Islamic Republic According to the officials of the Islamic Republic, those who have been butchered by the Assad regime (in collaboration with Russia and the Islamic Republic) are also counted as martyrs so that Western governments can be blamed for their killings: "300,000 people have been martyred in these few years in Syria." (Safavi, assistant to the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic, Khabar Online, October 7, 2016) The same statement is made regarding the victims of Kahrizak. Many officials refer to the victims of Kahrizak, killed by government agents, as martyrs. The Wave of Mourning Pilgrims Returning and Traffic on Northern Roads The deputy chief of the traffic police of NAJA stated about the road conditions after Ashura 2016: "The wave of returning mourning pilgrims from religious cities towards their destinations has begun." (Mizan, October 15, 2016) However, when he wants to address the roads, he refers to the Haraz and Chalus roads and notes that the Chalus road has become one-way. The irony of the situation is the substitution of the people's recreational travel during the Muharram holidays to the north of the country with pilgrimage travel, and the Islamic framing of recreational travel with titles like mourning. Since when have the northern cities of the country become sacred and religious cities? How far can the behavior of people who have distanced themselves from the religious government and its rituals be attributed to Islamism? Prison: Hotel, University, Rest Home The deputy chairman of the National Security and Foreign Policy Commission of the Parliament, rejecting the "torture" of Homa Hoodfar and Jason Rezaian in Iran, stated that although these two "smeared" against the Islamic Republic, they saw "nothing but tranquility" in our prisons, and "everywhere in the world acknowledges that Iran's prisons are schools." (Dana, October 15, 2016) The officials of the Islamic Republic believe that all political and ideological prisoners must be subjected to physical torture and ultimately killed under torture like Zahra Kazemi, and if such a fate does not befall someone, they are in a five-star hotel in Evin or in a rest home. They also consider the government interrogators as guides of humanity towards perfection who can turn everyone into "repentants," and for this reason, they call the country's prisons universities and schools. Issuing a Decree After Resignation Mahmoud Goudarzi, the Minister of Sports and Youth, resigned from his position on October 19, 2016, and his resignation was accepted. However, the next day he appeared at the ministry and signed two director-general appointments. Baranoush Nikbin was appointed as the head of international affairs and Behrouz Montaqemi as the head of human resources. (Tabnak, October 20, 2016) Appointments and dismissals in the Islamic Republic have lost their meaning. Tens of Millions of Iranian Women, Driving the Zionist Engine Hassan Rahimpour Azghadi, a member of the Supreme Cultural Revolution Council in Iran, states: "According to reported statistics, Iran is one of the highest-consuming countries of imported cosmetics, meaning it drives the engine of dozens of Jewish and Zionist companies." (Tasnim, November 25, 2016) Thus, not only are Iranian women serving Zionism by consuming cosmetics, but the Islamic Republic and smugglers (the "brother smugglers of the IRGC" being the largest) are buying and importing these products from those "Zionist companies." The Condition for Ending Hostility; Become Our Followers The condition for ending hostility with the West for the commanders of the IRGC is not mutual respect but the unconditional obedience of Western governments to the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic to the extent of converting to Shia Islam and following him: "Only under two conditions will our enmity with America end; the first condition is that the President of the United States and the leaders of Europe become Muslims and followers of the Supreme Leader, and the second path is for Iran to abandon Islam and the Islamic Revolution." (Ghayb Parvar, commander of the Basij, ISNA, January 2017) Is this the condition for ending hostility or a declaration of eternal enmity? Non-Iranians as Iranians According to Hossein Naqvi Hosseini, spokesman for the National Security Commission of the Parliament, "According to civil law, dual nationals who accept the citizenship of another country lose their Iranian citizenship and even have no right to own real estate." (Mizan, January 7, 2017) However, those who hold such beliefs take dual nationals residing abroad as Iranian hostages and refer to them as Iranians in response to criticisms from foreign governments. Selling an Apostate to Foreigners Khomeini and other Islamists consider Mossadegh and other national forces as apostates and have expelled Mossadegh-believing parties from power through oversight and suppression. For this reason, shortly after one of Tehran's streets was named after him, it was changed to Vali Asr. Since that time, naming a street or building after Mossadegh has been proposed several times in the first and third councils of Tehran but has not succeeded. The fourth council passed the naming of a street after Mohammad Mossadegh to the Ministry of Oil, and "in a letter from the naming commission of the Tehran City Council to Zanganeh, the Minister of Oil, it was proposed that since Mossadegh made significant efforts in the oil sector, the central building of the Ministry of Oil on Taleghani Street be named after Mossadegh, but the officials of the Ministry of Oil did not agree to this naming." (Mojtaba Shakri, a member of the Tehran City Council, ISNA, March 17, 2017) These should be considered alongside the Islamic Republic's use of Mossadegh to attack the United States on the issue of "overthrowing an elected prime minister in a democratic process" (according to officials, something close to this wording).