Do Women Want 'Love' and Men Want 'Sex'?

Is romantic love, specifically between a woman and a man, something beyond sexual attraction and sex? Is a relationship between two 'bodies' without the involvement of love less valuable than a relationship of loving bodies? Do women and men differ in their search for sex and love? If these questions are important to you, join this week's discussion with Arash Naraghi, a philosophy professor at Moravian College in Pennsylvania, and Nahid Farnoody, a psychologist. Mr. Naraghi, let's start the discussion with you. In your opinion, what is the closest definition we can give to the romantic experience in today's world? Arash Naraghi: We can call romantic experiences interpersonal experiences where individuals create a shared identity with one another. That is, in addition to the independent individual identities they had before, when they come together, a new entity emerges from the blending of the personal identities of these two individuals, which, although related to the identities of the individuals forming this relationship, gradually acquires a different identity and character that we sometimes define as 'we.' This 'we' gradually finds a social translation. These individuals are seen together more, a shared home, shared children, and similar aspects emerge in relation to them. What can be inferred from your definition, Mr. Naraghi, is the unity and the 'we-ness,' both in social translation and in interpersonal experience. From here, I want to ask Ms. Farnoody, as a psychologist, what is your view on this 'we-ness and unity'? Is it possible that you have a different definition from a psychological perspective about love? Nahid Farnoody: A group known as the 'Boston Group' used a term called 'Experience of Usness,' which I translated as 'Experience of We-ness.' A special type of neural communication creates 'Experience of We-ness,' which increases our happiness and reduces our sadness. Dopamine, this energizing and joyful substance, which is similar to cocaine that people consume, increases in this joyful state and releases a chemical molecule called Stokulin, which is also found in chocolate, and for this reason, on Valentine's Day, people exchange chocolates. This biochemical process alleviates sadness. These two increase serotonin, which is the optimistic chemical molecule. That is why a lover is kind to everyone, sees everything positively, is hopeful about everything, and in short, as the late Haydeh said, 'The day I fall in love, the world is a different color for me.' Very well. Ms. Farnoody pointed out the joy of overcoming loneliness or alleviating sadness or optimism in a person who falls in love. Does all this mean that a person is not enough for themselves? That is, does a person constantly want to find something outside of themselves? In today's world, where there is much talk about individuality, is this thirst for love and the effort to expand one's self a kind of contradiction? Naraghi: Yes. Perhaps the most important phenomenological feature of this phenomenon is that you feel your happiness or failure in life is largely dependent on the happiness or failure of another person. This experience has two consequences, one positive and one negative; the positive experience is what you referred to, in a sense, romantic experiences broaden our existence horizon, and it is for this reason that you feel love brings fresh air into your cells. However, at the same time, these romantic experiences also come with risks. Precisely because your existence, your happiness and unhappiness, your fortune and misfortune depend on another, you become deeply vulnerable. But it should not be overlooked that we gain more awareness and consciousness of ourselves in the course of romantic experiences. With all these indications, a question arises for me: should we encourage people to fall in love? Because, after all, the romantic experience opens oneself to an unknown destiny, and in many romantic relationships that we can cite as concrete examples in our surroundings, this openness puts people in a state of emotional insecurity. The essence of the art of loving is not seduction, but consolation. That is, the art of learning how to honor the heart we have now captured and what etiquette we should observe in the exchange of this heart. Arash Naraghi: Many of the romantic experiences we witness in our lives are pathological romantic experiences. Healthy love has at least two important characteristics: it is reciprocal and it is symmetrical. Otherwise, it will become a pathological dependency that can be harmful to both parties in the relationship because the necessary equalities for a healthy and flourishing romantic relationship between women and men are not established; romantic relationships can become factors that contribute to the subordination of women in modern society. I would like Ms. Farnoody to return to the discussion. Mr. Naraghi spoke about pathological loves. Love can be a liberating experience or a form of captivity. If we want to explain that healthy love is liberating and not captivity, then my question would be, why do we see that liberating aspect of love less? Farnoody: The heart does not come into the world with us. The heart is born with us, but the heart has a birth, a childhood, health, and illness. The heart or human psyche is something that is born from the interaction of a child with its environment and the experience of another, which gives birth to that heart or creates that independent psychological entity that becomes the wealth of a person or the piggy bank of our heart. Healthy romantic experiences certainly belong to healthy individuals. Let me give you some good news; contrary to what we feel, loves have become very temporary, but currently, individuality combined with empathy is being taught from kindergarten levels. We see that the level of emotional intelligence, which determines the fate of human relationships, is on the rise. Therefore, I am more hopeful that we can have healthier loves in the future. But for your generation and the one before you, my real suggestion is that every person, when they want to enter a relationship, should first go into a therapeutic relationship and recognize themselves in the best way. I want to ask differently. Suppose this emotional education is also taught to people in childhood, but nonetheless, our era is one of diversity, multiplicity, and speed. I want to see in such a time whether love is still attainable? What is the relationship between love and its era? Naraghi: Love is a type of experiential learning and must be learned. Each individual must acquire knowledge and skills, and the individual must know that the experience of loving has different stages; the initial part, in which we have often received somewhat sufficient training, is the part of seduction; that is, we learn how to present attractions from ourselves that captivate another, and this art of capturing another's heart we have somewhat learned. Sexual relations without love are like eating in fast food restaurants where you have no choice and go to a place where you know the food is of poor quality and you know it might make you sick, but you eat it for now because you are hungry. Just like using a 'Sex Toy.' Nahid Farnoody: But we forget that the essence of the art of loving is not seduction, but consolation. That is, the art of learning how to honor the heart we have now captured and what etiquette we should observe in the exchange of this heart. The best place to determine an individual's maturity in romantic relationships is at moments of separation; that is, individuals come to the conclusion that this experience will not be fruitful for them, and now they want to separate. In these cases, it seems to me that we have not received sufficient training at all, and we do not know that separating and the etiquette of separation is part of the etiquette of love. Regarding your next question, I will just briefly say that there are several problems in the modern world that have put love in crisis. One problem goes back to the fact that we emphasize individualism too much in the modern world, and this actually works to the benefit of love; that is, healthy romantic experiences occur between equal people, not people who have large distances between them. However, the emphasis on individualism actually creates a kind of separation between people that makes it difficult to bridge between them. On one hand, love is our desire to get close to another; on the other hand, to maintain the health of this love, you must know that at some point, you must also keep your distance from the other. That is, healthy love is a balance point of love and respect; getting closer to another while maintaining distance from another. This is something that modern individualism has, in some ways, facilitated and in some ways complicated. Since we cannot talk about love but cannot talk about sexual relations and sex, I want to ask Ms. Farnoody how closely, related, and even background and foreground you consider these two? There is a view that perhaps without love, sexual relations are a base matter, and the virtue I see in love does not exist in this relationship. What is your opinion on this? Farnoody: When two people find a special match with each other, four motivational systems of the brain are activated. First, the hormonal system, which leads to a special desire system, meaning you fixate on that special person and only want that person. The sexual experience itself can have very profound liberating moments for the individual, create creativity, alleviate a large part of our anxieties, and in many cases, it is entirely possible that the diversity of sexual experiences activates some of our emotional mechanisms and some of our creativity. Therefore, I have no prior reason against sexual relations devoid of love. Arash Naraghi: The next system is the oxytocin system, which brings about attachment, and the fourth system is the dopamine system, which only calms you down. If these four systems are activated between two pairs, stable relationships usually arise. But if only the first system is activated and the second one also arises, but the other two systems do not work, these purely sexual pairings usually, when they lose their novelty, lead to psychological and emotional demands, and if there is a shortcoming there, it begins the communication hostilities and, so to speak, getting stuck in relationships that start well and end badly. I did not understand whether you attribute any virtue to sexual relations without love. Farnoody: Sexual relations without love are like eating in fast food restaurants where you have no choice and go to a place where you know the food is of poor quality and you know it might make you sick, but you eat it for now because you are hungry. Just like using a 'Sex Toy.' Mr. Naraghi, what is your specific opinion on this subject? Naraghi: Perhaps my position on that other aspect is different from Ms. Farnoody. It seems to me that relationships and sexual pleasures devoid of love can also play very constructive and flourishing roles in our lives. The mere fact that two humans discover each other's bodies, the mere fact that in contact with their bodies they experience each other's emotional layers - even if fleeting - can be very liberating moments for the individual. The experience of sex can have very deep liberating moments for the individual, create creativity, alleviate a large part of our anxieties, and in many cases, it is entirely possible that the diversity of sexual experiences activates some of our emotional mechanisms and some of our creativity. Therefore, I have no prior reason against sexual relations devoid of love. Generally, women usually, when they have sexual relations with someone, seek to make that relationship permanent and look for results other than sex and release, and men do not. Nahid Farnoody: Although I agree with Dr. Farnoody that when romantic experiences arise, the quality of these physical relationships becomes much deeper, at the same time, it seems to me that we must also recognize the essence of sexual relations for mere sensory and bodily pleasures, which has been an important part of our human lives. Farnoody: I think here the differences between men and women became evident. Naraghi: I am not sure it is that way. I do not agree with this so-called classification that men say No sex, No love, and women say No love, No sex. In fact, among women, we are increasingly seeing this openness to sexual pleasures growing more in our younger generation of women, so I am not sure how much gender differentiation will persist in this area. Farnoody: You are right that now sexual desires devoid of love are increasing among young women, and it seems that such experiences are also disappointing for them. Now perhaps the culture is changing or transitioning, but generally, women usually, when they have sexual relations with someone, seek to make that relationship permanent and look for results other than sex and release, and for men, it is not like that. That is, men are very eager and interested in No committed sex and especially want to satisfy their desire for variety.