Farewell of the Leader to Their Neighbors

Memories of Vahid Al-Azma, the Leader's Standard Bearer (13) A political prisoner should not be released! Today, on the anniversary of the revolution, the Leader was in high spirits. We closed the doors and windows and sealed the holes. The Leader took out his beloved pipe from the boot chest. As he puffed, he showed me the photo album of the revolution: - Look, Vahid, here I am with Mr. Motahhari, half an hour before his assassination... Here I am with Dr. Mofatteh, two minutes before he was shot... Look here, Standard Bearer! Political prisoners from the Shah's time. The revolution opened the prison doors; they flew away, each escaping in a different direction. Of course, we later caught some of them and imprisoned them again. The poor souls couldn’t believe it. They said we fought against dictatorship, we struggled for freedom, we were tortured. They thought we would reward them now. Some of them didn’t realize until we executed them. The Leader took a deep puff from his pipe, exhaled a lot of smoke, and said: It’s a pity, I was just learning to blow rings... Two groups suffered in this revolution, Vahid, me and those leftists we executed. Today, the Leader was talking on the phone with intelligence and security officials. He was inquiring about that lawyer who protested against forced television interviews two weeks ago. I don’t know whose representation he had. He had asked religious authorities whether obtaining confessions through torture and threats is permissible or not? The Leader listened to the explanations on the phone for a while, then hung up with satisfaction, saying: You know, Vahid, this week they will bring that guy on television to confess. They are currently working on him. The Leader had studied the memories of Imam Khomeini's neighbors in Neauphle-le-Château and the Imam's farewell to them. He said: Vahid, see how different the French neighbor is from the Mashhadi neighbor. We have a long way to go to reach them. When we came from Mashhad, we said we would say goodbye to our neighbors, but we repented. You wouldn’t believe it. The right-wing neighbor claimed that they had thrown a striped underpants on the shared wall to dry, and we took it from this side! Just think about it. That’s good. The leftist neighbor was demanding the china bowl that they had brought us for Arbaeen. Well, at least they didn’t want the sweet dish back! Oh dear, we owe something too. Which underpants? Which china bowl? Where was it? Where is it? We went to say goodbye, it was a forgiving request... Now you are not French, you are Muslim... In that chaos... An image from the last day of Ayatollah Khomeini's presence in Neauphle-le-Château / February 11, 1979. Then he said: Of course, we wrapped the china bowl in the first batch of belongings we sent with the truck to bring to Tehran, we wrapped it in the underpants so it wouldn’t break on the way, we put it on the load... What I mean is that saying goodbye to neighbors has its ups and downs. At that time, my tongue was short, I couldn’t reach them, because I was nobody. I was just an ordinary cleric. The Leader took a breath of relief and said: Now, thank God, our relations with our neighbors are good. We send cash to Afghanistan, gold to Iraq, our president to Turkey, we gave the Caspian Sea to Russia, Pakistan has our interests office in the US, we still haven’t paid for their water and electricity. Thank God none of the neighbors demand china bowls from us or striped underpants. Today, an official came to talk about the dispute between Zarghami and Rouhani. He asked the Leader to mediate. The Leader said these disputes are good, constructive. Do you remember Imam said war is a blessing? This war is also a domestic blessing. The person with all the ranks and titles put his tail on his shoulder and left. The Leader said: Before you go, I want to say that I didn’t like Zarghami’s comment comparing Rouhani to a plate. It means in expressing his indifference to the interlocutor’s words, he said, ‘Talking to him is like talking to a plate.’ That wasn’t a good comment. Now, if Ahmadinejad were president, they would compare him to a saucer, I wouldn’t mind, but Rouhani is different, especially since he is more like a coma patient than a plate. Today, the Leader was not in a good mood. He kept walking around the hall, cursing everything and everyone. He talked a lot about the unfaithfulness of the world and said nonsense. He recited couplets from Baba Tahir. Several times he sarcastically said, ‘Reza Shah - may your soul rest in peace.’ He canceled all his appointments. I was sitting there, bewildered and confused. I decided to call Dr. Marandi, the Leader’s personal physician, to come and say some flattery to make the Leader feel better. While I was sitting there, suddenly the Leader grabbed my head from behind the chair and twisted my neck! I heard a crack from my neck and a scream from my throat. He wanted to twist my neck the other way again, but I grabbed his hand in pain. He kindly said, ‘Don’t be upset, Vahid, endure! I’m getting you used to torture so that tomorrow under torture you won’t reveal where I’m hiding, because you will be the only one who will know where I will be. The only thing you will do is go tell Qassem. I asked, ‘Qassem Soleimani of the IRGC?’ He replied angrily: ‘No, no, Uncle Qassem, the character from Napoleon’s Uncle.’ I said, ‘What if they capture him?’ He said, ‘You will immediately inform me in hiding.’ I asked, ‘What if they capture me on the way?’ The Leader shouted angrily: ‘Are you with us or an anti-revolution collaborator? Why are you being so negative?’ The Leader was not in a normal mood. To cheer him up and change the subject, I told him the news of the conversion of Joram van Klaveren, a Dutch politician who was against Islam and, while researching to write a book against Islam, was influenced by his studies and became a Muslim. This news excited me a lot, but the Leader didn’t take it seriously. It seemed he already knew the person would convert to Islam! I said, ‘This guy was a member of parliament and wanted to write against Islam, but he has converted to Islam.’ He said: ‘As Saadi said, ‘A slave who brings beer - the beer came and took the slave away.’ I asked, ‘What studies do you think made this guy turn 180 degrees?’ He said: ‘He must have read Imam’s explanation of the issues related to the etiquette of relieving oneself and the mating of various animals, which changed his state and attracted him to Islam!’ I saw that the Leader was not in the mood or unfortunately seemed confused. I said, ‘Excuse me, but why does the Leader underestimate this important event?’ He said: ‘Standard Bearer! Right now, I don’t have the patience for this talk. We don’t even know where we will be tomorrow, and now we have to carry a new Muslim along with us. Now, if he were to go and talk to Pompeo, it would buy us some time, something. Otherwise, if we take this guy seriously, with these sanctions, this inflation, this poverty, this instability, this confusion, and this misery, we would have to send a delegation with a chainsaw to our consulate in the Netherlands to circumcise the guy and bring him back. Oh Imam Zaman, what has happened to our master? Oh Abbas... Oh, my neck... The Leader grabbed me again... Hadi Kharsandi Hadi Kharsandi is a well-known Iranian writer, poet, and satirist residing in London. He has shared his writings with Iranian and Persian-speaking audiences for years, presenting satirical pieces in the form of weekly letters with Radio Farda's audience.