Letter to Iraqi Pilgrims

Dear esteemed pilgrim brother! We are at your service. First, I express my hatred towards those who initiated the Iran-Iraq war and fueled enmity, which sacrificed such precious youths from both sides for their own foolishness. We were kind neighbors and close to each other, but of course, not this close! This closeness that has recently emerged is a result of the Islamic Revolution. We should say 'it has brought us together' more accurately. Previously, like all cities in the world, Mashhad had its share of vice, but it was not state-sponsored. It was in the hands of the private sector. It was retail, from production to consumption! Supermarkets for sex had not yet opened, brochures had not been printed, there were no websites, and there were no tariffs, and this had not yet become so official. Back then, if a tourist and pilgrim was welcomed, the holy law was not so lenient. Recently, you come here, lighten your bones, and burden our journalists with your crimes. You recite a temporary marriage, and that's it. But if they write, 'What kind of temporary marriage is this?', they must hire a lawyer and defend themselves. By the time they react, their lawyer ends up in prison! Mashhad is a dear and noble city for us. It has always been a city of dignity. If today the son-in-law and father-in-law have fallen into disgrace, there was a time when the Supreme Leader used to recite mourning in this city and smoked a pipe, and did not learn to play the setar. Oh brother! You come to Mashhad under the pretext of visiting Imam Reza, you become a son-in-law and leave, but please do not tell anyone; it endangers our journalists! For now, two of the publications here, 'Shargh' and 'Shahrvand', have been taken to court for why you have exaggerated the issue. While your Iraqi brother, you yourself are a witness that when you came, the issue was indeed exaggerated. I mentioned it that week too, but now they have taken it to heart! Oh brother, you come here, lighten your bones, and burden our journalists with your crimes. You recite a temporary marriage, and that's it. But if they write, 'What kind of temporary marriage is this?', they must hire a lawyer and defend themselves. By the time they react, their lawyer ends up in prison! Brother! In our country, many things are free, but writing about them is punishable, and 'severe actions are taken'. Right now, it is easy to steal a pole, but you cannot write about it. If a journalist writes about pole theft, they end up in prison, but if they go and steal a pole, they are left alone. Are they left alone? No, they are not. They come and partner with him. They say you steal from the front, and we will take care of you from the back. Here, committing rape is permissible - if it is not obligatory - but exposing it is forbidden. Here, if you abuse boys, the judge, investigator, and prosecutor stand behind you, but if you write about the abuse of children, those same people will hand you over to the Quran reciter! Therefore, you pilgrims of Thamen al-Aimah, try to keep your mouths shut a little and do not tell things that might provoke our journalists and cause them to cross red lines and be 'severely dealt with'. In conclusion, dear Islamic brother, whom 'Imam Reza has summoned', now try to visit the holy shrine a few times while you are in Mashhad, perform a pilgrimage. It is not good. After all, respecting Imam Reza is obligatory for you. At least make a circumambulation and return. Good luck. Accepted pilgrimage. Good night. *** Consolation to the Supreme Leader A few days ago, the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic made a strange revelation and unveiled the vile actions of the domineering enemy and the oppressive system: 'Physical elimination' of elites is one of the methods used by the 'domineering system'. What he means is that suddenly the 'domineering system' might execute six or seven thousand students and young future-makers. We must be careful. The 'domineering system' might want to throw a bus of writers and journalists into a ravine or hang the members of the Writers' Association and leave them lifeless in the desert. They might assassinate their opponents abroad. We must be careful! I tell the Supreme Leader that you still do not know this domineering system well enough to understand its audacity, dear. But do not worry unnecessarily; our nation will settle its accounts sooner or later. Do not be greedy, dear Majtaba. It is not good for you. The devil's ear is ringing in your prostate, and you will have to deal with it again, and the whole world will find out. There was news of camel hoarding in Khorasan Razavi, in a village in Torbat Heydarieh, where a man ran over his wife three times with a car because she had enforced her dowry. It is a bitter and regrettable story. However, this news seems more economic than criminal. I do not know how many coins her dowry was, but whatever it is, it must have been too much with the four-million-toman coin. (I say this figure approximately, and any transaction based on my handwriting has no legal validity.) In any case, the person calculated that with a four-million-toman coin, it is worth it to kill his wife and pay fifty camels as blood money. His other options are a hundred cows or five hundred sheep. A hundred pieces of clothing from Yemen's Hula have also been mentioned, but since their size and dimensions are not specified, and given today's situation in Yemen, it is better to forget about them. The current currency is the coin and the camel. The person has calculated that he will give ten camels to the Sharia judge, two or three young camels to the local imam, and one cow (meaning the head of the family) to the representative of the leadership, thus freeing himself from paying the coin. The problem he may not have calculated is that several faithful merchants, affiliated with a certain cleric, may have bought the camels and hoarded them at the caravanserai at a price higher than the dowry coins. In this case, the person will have to run over himself with the car ten times. Proposal at the Mourning Assembly 'During a preparatory match between the Iranian and Bolivian football teams held on Tuesday night at Azadi Stadium, apparently due to FIFA's threat, a very limited number of women, about one hundred, were selectively allowed to attend the stadium. Domestic media referred to this group as 'special ladies', which included the wives and families of football players.' *Haj Khanoom, did you say you have a daughter of marriageable age?....* Yes sister, my daughter knows how to sew, cook, and manage a household, has a diploma in accounting, has completed a lifeguard course, plays the setar, and most importantly, my daughter is one of the special ladies.* Wow! We have connections in the judiciary; she can go to the stadium selectively and watch as many Iran-Bolivia matches as she wants.* Our daughter is more special, dear lady; she is regularly in the stadium, watching all the matches.* So her connections are very strong?* No, her appearance is boyish! Our story has come to an end; Khashoggi did not make it home. The bride finally said yes, and the Saudi government admitted that the person was killed in the consulate. However, they say there was a fight and a scuffle. They say this correctly. Hidden cameras and Khashoggi's Apple Watch also showed that he entered the consulate with a full load, slammed his fist on the consul's desk, and said, 'Sign this letter; I want to get married.' The relevant consul, after returning to his seat (as he had jumped into the air), tried to calm the person down. He said, 'Please sit down; let me bring you a coffee.' At this point, Khashoggi loses his temper and yells, 'Give the coffee to our dear Mohammed Salman.....' – (beep. Censorship horn.) Then he notices the fifteen people there with knives, swords, and chainsaws. He becomes unnecessarily suspicious. First, he gives each of them a slap, and then the fighting and scuffle continue for several hours. Eventually, those fifteen beaten and bloodied people reach the airport and leave. In the meantime, Khashoggi attempts to commit suicide by cutting off his hands and feet. It is said that the initial denial and cover-up by Saudi Arabia was at the king's order, who did not want his dear crown prince to find out. Reports indicate that Mr. Mohammed bin Salman is still unaware of the Khashoggi murder case. Those around him are thinking of a way to gradually inform him so that the young man does not get upset. In response to the world, the U.S. Secretary of State went to remind them to say, 'The rogue elements' killed this journalist. Mr. Trump also tried to establish this 'rogue elements' narrative. In the midst of this, Leader Khamenei stated that the copyright and trademark of 'rogue elements' is exclusively held by the Islamic Republic, and indeed, in this context, pens and penmen have also been invented and used. He added that we must guard the dignity of Mokhtari, Puyandeh, Zalzadeh, Amirali, Parvaneh, and Dariush Farrokhzad, and others whom no one knows, and not let the concept of 'rogue elements' be diluted by foreigners or baseless accusations against our rogue elements be revived. (The camel dreams of cotton seeds, did not say) 'In the factory where my father works' What can a person be happy about anymore? Once we were happy that if workers of a certain factory wanted their wages, they would be beaten. We were glad that if workers of a certain mine were hungry and wanted bread, they would be whipped. We were at ease, for God's sake. We were not worried about them being executed. Oh dear, now regarding the hunger strike of truck drivers, talk of executing them is on the table. Oh, what a pity, what a regret. Where did that golden age go when the hardworking worker returned home battered and bruised but alive? They would beat him, whip him, but it was still a blessing that he returned home half-dead and in tatters to his family. How beautifully the unsuccessful poet sang from the perspective of the daughter of a worker from Arak: In the factory where my father works Instead of wages, workers were beaten Outside of working hours, my father worked hard for overtime, and they beat him twice! Dad! Come home without a whimper. I will not ask for a floral skirt and a shiny shoe for that pale and purple face! Dad! Do not talk about my wages at the factory. Mother is sitting and worried, waiting at the door for your bandage. But come home without being beaten, that would be better! Does God finally exist? Regarding the existence or - God forbid - non-existence of God Almighty, I know nothing and always copy the words of great scientists. (This 'copy' has also been completely Persianized. Because it has a 'p'!) In summary, I do not dare to say God exists, for He may not, and a person must answer in that world. If I say He does not exist, I fear that in that world, God will come before me and say, 'Ha ha ha, now that we are not here, are you finished?' I think I must first be sure about the non-existence of that world. A few days ago, I saw Radio Farda quoting the late Stephen Hawking, who wrote that God does not exist at all. A while ago, a handwriting from Einstein was found stating, 'The word God for me is nothing but a product of human weakness.' Although I do not want to undermine the great scientists, I personally believe that when a half-line note from Einstein sells for three million dollars after seventy years, this must be God's work. All this handwriting remains from Imam Khomeini, who wrote about the universe, about all kinds of domestic animals! Yet, still, Imam's account is ready to take the three-shah coin from the unfortunate oppressed, perhaps the government will build them a house. S.K (meaning 'wait') - now news has arrived that all the oppressed have become homeowners. Based on this, Imam's account has been closed, and the earrings of the first generation of the oppressed have been returned to the heirs of the second and third generations. Meanwhile, it was announced that Imam Khomeini did not accept Einstein at all and always said we have our own five-tons. Hiring corpses The Saudi consulate in Istanbul hires the corpses it needs through bidding or auction - honestly, at any cost. Applicants must have a round face, a bald head, and a chin beard. Middle-aged corpses with a few freckles or a birthmark on the left side of the face have priority. Qualified candidates, after hiring and a bit of training, receive an Apple Watch as a reward. Then they participate in the beauty contest of corpses, and one of the corpses, after reaching the quarter-finals, is introduced to the world as the worthy corpse by the Royal Dignity Committee, and its photos and videos are published as expensive advertisements in the world's media. Dear corpses, hurry up and save your future lives.