Letter to the Sisters of Martyrs!

I am writing this letter to dear sister Sinéad O'Connor. Two days ago, I came to America, and you changed your religion while my eyes were turned away. Suddenly, they wrote that the controversial Irish singer has converted to Islam. Well, congratulations. May the world be filled with sincere and artistic Muslims like you, so that the Islamic world becomes more beautiful and softer. Chainsaws and axes should become sugar cutters. I only have one complaint, sister: if you wanted to convert to Islam, why did you go to Sheikh Omar al-Qudari? Were we making you a bad Muslim? It doesn't matter if you are Shia or Sunni; there has always been conflict. On one side of the world, Shia and Sunni, on the other side, Toshiba and Sony! But if you wanted to become a Muslim, dear girl, why didn't you go to Ayatollah Nouri Hamadani to read the Quran incorrectly for you? Why didn't you go to Ayatollah Hadi Ghafari, who would even put on a pair of Starlight socks for you? You could have gone to Ayatollah Ebrahim Raisi, who understands pop music and could tell you stories about his memories with the artist Tataloo. You could have gone to Mr. Alam al-Huda... No, the matter became honorable. You wouldn't have let any Quran reciter approach you with that boyish hair. I hope you never reach that level of faith, belief, spirituality, and divinity! In my opinion, the most worthy person who could have converted you to Islam would have been the Supreme Leader, who always thinks you sang the song 'No one is comparable to you' for him. This is evident from his behavior. By the way, dear girl, why didn't you name your Muslim identity 'Martyr' and refer to it as 'Martyrs'? 'Martyr' would have suited you better and would have been more accurate. Was it not enough? Did it not come to you? Did you not have enough flood? Did you start your Islam here, asking for more than what is appropriate? Anyway, dear artist, the fact that you did not abandon religion and did not want to pretend to be free shows your honesty and purity of heart, which undoubtedly the great God and His messengers are guarding you in every note you sing and every melody you create, ensuring you do not cross the red line and go off-key. This is very necessary for every human being so that they do not get carried away. Be happy, dear artist - please pray for me - good night. Commander with courtesy in the forensic medicine of Karbala. Commander: Which anti-revolutionary forensic doctor issued this death certificate? Doctor: I issued it, Commander. Commander: You wrote 'passed away' incorrectly; you should have written 'martyrdom.' Doctor: Dear Commander, we have no flattery or formalities here. Our job is to report, like a reporter, like a journalist. We issue death certificates. Here, we do not consider the rank and status of the deceased. Forensic medicine does not grade the dead. Commander: You messed up, writing that. We will not forgive such a sin even fourteen hundred years later. Shall we go? Doctor: Where, Commander? Commander: We want to take you to prison and torture you. Doctor: Commander, do you think that deceased martyr would be pleased with you treating me like this? Commander: From this point on, it no longer concerns that martyr. My brothers and I will start our own business from this stage onward. Get moving; the torturers are waiting. Just before you leave, issue your own death certificate! Doctor: Should I write it under torture? Commander: No, idiot, write it as suicide. Two mini-interviews - Please introduce yourself. - I am Ayatollah Makarem Shirazi. - What important thing did you do? - 'I ordered that during Muharram and Safar, for two whole months, Ashura visitation be broadcast on Wilayat TV.' - Please introduce yourself? - I am John Logie Baird. - What important thing did you do? - I invented the stupid television. Ms. Faezah continues to talk about her father. In a recent interview with Iran newspaper, Ms. Faezah Rafsanjani said: 'Dad liked open spaces. In spring, autumn, and summer, they met by the pool.' The rest I will recount for you: 'He was very kind. During the mass execution of September 67, they said to first bring the young people into the open space of the yard, then take them to be killed. Imam and Mr. Khamenei opposed it, but Dad stood against both of them. That is why Dad sometimes went to Evin to supervise closely. I was small at that time; otherwise, they would have taken me with them. Dad loved me very much. I also take pride in his existence.' Interview with the Imam of Friday prayers: 'Some of the escalators of the pedestrian bridge in Pardis County were stolen.' Interview with the local Imam: - Your Eminence, what is your opinion about the escalator theft? - In the name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. No bad incident has occurred; only parts of the escalator have been stolen, which is good. We said from the beginning to put a ladder. These modern excesses like escalators and razors are just examples of neglect towards humanity. An escalator, especially with continuous power cuts, causes people to ride the escalator, and when they reach the middle, if the power goes out, people will be stranded in the middle of the steps and have to wait until the power returns. - Your Eminence, it seems you have confused the escalator with the elevator. - No, that escalator is worse than the elevator. At least the elevator has a little room, a shelter. On the escalator, you go up two or four steps; if the power goes out, you stay right there. But with a ladder, it's not like that; you can go back down or go up. - Have you arrested the thief or thieves? - There were no thieves. What is it to steal four steps that thieves would want? - The same one thief has been arrested? - If he hasn't gone to Canada yet, it was his own incompetence. I told him a hundred times. - To go to Canada? - No, that he should stop stealing. - Your Eminence, do you know the thief? - No, I always tell everyone not to steal. I meant that. (Coughs) - Do you have a message for the listeners? - Yes. The house arrest should continue. People should not be concerned with escalators and razors and such things. Pray for the health of the Supreme Leader. Until we have budgeted for the ladder, let them hold on to each other at the pedestrian bridge. Indeed, we belong to God and to Him, we shall return.