Menopause: A Phase of Life or the End of Femininity?

Is menopause, as hidden in the etymology of the word, disheartening and, as some women and men may believe, the end of femininity? Do women who reach menopause lose their sexual needs and emotions? Are only women subject to menopause, or does it also come for men, contrary to common belief? Is menopause merely a phase of life? Why don't we talk about it and its consequences, signs, and how to cope with it? In this week's taboo, two women’s rights activists, Rezvan Moghadam and Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh, not only discuss this but also share their personal experiences. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh states that menopause is a natural and physiological phenomenon that constitutes a phase of women's lives, and it is not only important from biological and physiological aspects but can also create emotional, psychological, familial, and even social issues for women. She begins by mentioning some of these aspects. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh: I can say that my experience regarding my friends who have entered this stage or regarding myself is that all social relationships change. The way one works and relates to others, especially in the emotional domain, changes. For example, I have seen some friends who have fallen in love during menopause but have been unable to express their love or have an active sexual relationship because menopause reduces sexual responsiveness. All of this affects emotional relationships, but if the partner understands that this situation is just a temporary condition, then this phase usually lasts no more than one or two years. Rezvan Moghadam: There is a stereotype that says women's sexual needs decrease or change during menopause. What is your opinion on this, and what is your experience? Rezvan Moghadam: Menopause is a period in human life that exists in both men and women, similar to puberty. However, regarding sexual needs or activity, due to the decrease in progesterone in women and testosterone in men, changes occur. Contrary to the belief of many that women face problems in their sexual relationships, scientific research shows otherwise. Many times, women seek counseling, and it can even lead to divorce because men experience sexual dysfunction after the age of 50. Another point about sexual relationships is that during menopause, because there is no fear of pregnancy, women can engage in sexual relations more freely. The difference is that with the cessation of menstruation, menopause becomes evident in women, while in men, this process occurs gradually and may start as early as 40. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh: You mentioned menopause in men, a phenomenon known as andropause, which we know exists, but my question is why this topic is not discussed? Does it not carry a taboo like that surrounding women's menopause? My question focuses more on the social stigma that may be attached to women during menopause and the feeling given to women that they apparently no longer have femininity during this period... How is it for men? Abbasgholizadeh: Sexual power is part of the power dynamic. For men, having sexual power is seen as a good thing and makes them feel more powerful; thus, the taboo actually occurs regarding men. No man is ever willing to admit that his sexual power has diminished or that he feels menopausal. In contrast, for women, being modest and less enthusiastic about sex is seen as a sign of femininity and modesty, making them more trustworthy. From this perspective, society welcomes the public expression of women's menopause, and the advantage for many women in this regard is that men feel reassured that they can have safe sexual relations with women because they no longer fear getting pregnant. In other words, I want to say that if your view is that menopause has a negative aspect in social norms, I want to argue that in Iranian underground life, being menopausal actually provides women with more opportunities to have safe and free relationships. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh: My view is not that such a perspective exists regarding women. Let's return to the word 'menopause,' which inherently carries a sense of despair and hopelessness. Rezvan Moghadam: Why do we see a kind of despair and hopelessness in the term used for this period? Is there a reduction of women to the matter of pregnancy and reproduction in such a view? Moghadam: There is a perspective regarding menopause. Becoming menopausal means infertility. In the past, women were viewed as machines for reproduction. Their sole purpose was to give birth. However, this is no longer the case, and many couples voluntarily do not want to have children or limit themselves to one or two. In the past, this was the case, and while it is true that menopause comes from despair, it also means infertility. After all, humans have the ability to reproduce during a certain period of their lives, which is true for all living beings, not just humans. Now, returning to you, Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh, I want to raise the question of whether menopause is discussed in Iranian families. After all, both of you, as guests on this program, mentioned that menopause has issues and consequences. When a mother reaches menopause, these symptoms and consequences exist, but why is this topic not discussed? Family members do not understand that the changes in her behavior and habits, the changes in her temperament, are due to this, and it may be interpreted as irritability and bad temper. Do you think that if this topic were discussed, the situation would improve both within families and for women? Abbasgholizadeh: Before answering this question, I want to talk about the taboo surrounding this issue and the negative perception in society. I currently live in America, which is an advanced society, but still, when you have hot flashes - a condition where a person's body temperature suddenly rises and they sweat - this can happen two or three times a day... They use the term 'hot flash' for it. This hot flash is not a beautiful sign; it makes men, especially young men, feel that this is someone who has lost their attractiveness. Even for example, when you are sitting in a meeting and speaking, and you are flushed, your colleagues look at you as if to say, 'Why are you sweating or turning red?' and view it as a negative social issue. I want to say that the symptoms of menopause are not well established even in advanced and educated societies. What you asked about families is actually related to this issue. In general, menopause is not considered a recognized critical phase for women. Society has very little awareness about it. For example, we all talk about puberty. When boys reach ejaculation and have wet dreams, everyone speaks about it quietly. When girls start menstruating, families talk about it, and everyone pays attention... Of course, there are taboos in this regard as well. You know, Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh. Abbasgholizadeh: Yes, negative or positive. But the point is that there are taboos, but there is awareness about it. I want to say that regarding menopause, part of the issue is that the woman who is going through menopause does not have much information about it, let alone her family. She thinks menopause means just not having periods and experiencing hot flashes, but does not realize that questioning her life and everything she has done until now is the first sign of menopause. The fear of hormonal changes and the sudden reminder of age and the review of whether the path she has taken is correct or not; reviewing the past and all the identity crises that usually arise during this period are all symptoms of menopause, while many women do not know this. Families do not talk about this issue at all. The woman herself does not want to talk about it. She is embarrassed to admit to her children that she used to menstruate or that she can no longer have children. Or to tell her husband that if she is tired and cannot have an active sexual relationship, it is because her entire body is undergoing hormonal disruption. Women generally keep it to themselves. The sudden outbursts of anger or intense reactions are due to the pressure they face. It is not that menopause inherently increases irritability. The most important issue is that the partner, husband, or spouse understands that this phase the woman is going through is temporary. Let us return to Rezvan Moghadam. Ms. Moghadam, Ms. Abbasgholizadeh believes that women do not want to talk about their menopause. She mentioned an interesting point; that they may feel shame in admitting that they used to menstruate and that this natural cycle in their body has stopped and that they have other physical and psychological conditions. Why do women generally not want to talk about menopause? Moghadam: The reason for this reluctance encompasses all these factors. Both the fear of being judged and shame, as well as lack of education. All of these are interconnected. From the beginning, discussing women's bodies has been a taboo, and women have been allowed very little to speak about their bodies. They must hide everything. For example, they must hide their period. Nowadays, it has improved significantly, but in my generation, we had to hide everything. During menstruation, menstrual pains, and related issues, we had to keep it to ourselves and not let our family, father, or brother know. Menopause is the same. It is a continuation of this. The lack of education leads to fear of judgment and shame. Therefore, it is necessary to discuss these issues and life stages, which are a natural part of life, as easily as we talk about puberty today, to also talk about menopause and its symptoms and consequences, and that both men and women - both - experience menopause. Because this unfortunate view exists that everyone thinks menopause is only for women. When I, as a girl, learn to be comfortable with my body, I will also accept menopause as a natural stage of my life. I will neither hide it nor be ashamed to express it. It is a part of human life, just like any other stage. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh, you briefly mentioned sexual relations during menopause. I want to discuss this in more detail. What characteristics does this relationship have during this period, and how does it differ from sexual relations before menopause? Are there points that women or the sexual partners of women in menopause should know to maintain the quality of sexual relations during this period? Abbasgholizadeh: In general, we can say that there is a kind of coldness and slow response to sexual stimuli. The woman suddenly realizes why she feels so tired and cold. She may feel that she does not love her partner. She feels that she has not done anything in her life. She feels that the love she once had has cooled down, and this is frightening for women. If you look, many separations and divorces that occur at older ages happen precisely during this period. Because sexual coldness is accompanied by more significant issues like self-questioning and all of this together. While if both parties communicate that they are giving each other time because you are currently in menopause and do not realize that it is the hormones causing these changes in your body, and if you wait a couple of days, you will no longer feel this way and will feel that life has improved and you love me and are warmer with me.