One-Night Stand or Short-Term Sexual Relationship: Yes or No?

"One-night stand"; what is known in Western culture as "one-night stand". There is no commitment or even a relationship involved. Attraction or sexual need takes precedence. Two individuals, presumed to be a man and a woman in this program, engage in sexual relations and then say goodbye. This phenomenon also occurs in Iran, but there is no solid data or research available on it. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh, a women's rights activist, states that especially women suffer in such forms of relationships, but Marmer Moshfeqi, who also works in the field of women's issues, says it is good for women to learn that they do not necessarily have to fall in love or get married to satisfy their sexual needs. We start this week's program with Ms. Moshfeqi. The statement that "men have immediate sexual needs" is recognized; not just in Iran but almost everywhere in the world. How much is this urgency in sexual needs recognized for women? Marmer Moshfeqi: This belief in the ability to control and suppress sexual desire is largely under social and educational pressure that starts from childhood. When girls are taught from a young age that they should not have such feelings or think about them, and if they do, they are considered immoral or sinful, they unconsciously learn how to suppress those feelings and do not believe in having such feelings. For example, a woman may have sexual desire but when she does not express it, no one else comes to tell her about it. I live in a country where gender equality is very high and sexual issues are discussed very openly. There are various websites for teenagers to learn how to understand their bodies and sexual needs, and what I see here is very different from Iranian women's society. For instance, women talk much more openly about sexual issues and express that they have sexual desires, with no difference between men and women in this regard. I would like to refer to a personal experience; once I wrote on my blog about women's sexual desire and shared my experience that there are days when one reaches a point of sexual thirst where one just wants to bang their head against the wall. This was exactly written by a man and received a lot of positive feedback. But when I wrote this, the public comments were very negative and judgmental towards me as a woman. However, in private messages, many young women reached out to me saying that even though they had never had sexual experiences, they felt a sensation that they could never relieve. They were suffering from this issue and no one dared to talk about it. Very well. Ms. Abbasgholizadeh, we see that Ms. Moshfeqi emphasizes that this sexual thirst exists in women but is not discussed. Perhaps you would like to add something regarding Ms. Moshfeqi's comments before we move on to ways to satisfy sexual thirst. Mahbubeh Abbasgholizadeh: Studies show that women's sexual thirst can sometimes be greater than men's, but let's return to Iranian society. Regarding sexual relationships, the expression of sexual thirst, informal relationships, or "casual" or random cohabitation, known in the West as "one-night stand", we see that this phenomenon is becoming more prevalent in Iran, and honestly, the main taboo is not that women have issues with their bodies or do not want to engage in a random one-night relationship to satisfy their sexual thirst. The taboo is that they do not want to talk about it. The taboo is that the same girl who goes to a party and ends up having a sexual relationship with a boy in the morning wakes up with no one in her family, friends, or society knowing about it. These are the issues that, in my opinion, are worth examining in light of the conditions in Iranian society, and whether the consequences of a random one-night relationship for a girl are the same as for the boy she slept with or not. Do they feel equal? Does a woman feel good about being able to express her body, to express her feelings, to satisfy her sexual thirst? Does she feel empowered? Does she feel like a woman or does she feel shame and loss? Well, Ms. Abbasgholizadeh, regarding these contradictory feelings you mentioned, we definitely need to go back and see which is experienced more and what its roots are. But let’s ask Ms. Moshfeqi, who has spoken about women's sexual thirst. How accepted is it for women to engage in a one-night relationship to satisfy their sexual needs without thinking about the next day, without the desire for a relationship to form? Ms. Moshfeqi, what is your view on this? Moshfeqi: This one-night relationship is almost a growing trend… a rising tendency. Moshfeqi: Yes, a rising tendency. Thank you. In societies where sexual freedoms are more accepted and in more developed countries, but in Iran, it may also be prevalent in some social classes or large cities. However, not to the extent that it exists in America and Europe… Abbasgholizadeh: How do you know this? We have no information about it, but our observations from events that happen at parties show that we actually see more extremism or chaos in Iranian society than in Western society, meaning that in Western society, it is more calculated than in Iranian society. Moshfeqi: Yes, I wanted to reach that point. The issue I wanted to mention is that even in those countries where freedom exists, this issue, despite its existence, is still not fully accepted. Certainly, in a society like Iran, the likelihood of acceptance is much lower. Personally, I fully recognize and believe that it is every human's natural right to satisfy their sexual needs in whatever way they want. Especially in the lifestyle that is now prevalent in societies, even in Iran, many people do not have the opportunity for shared living, and many do not have the personality to commit. Are they condemned to suppress their sexual needs? Both women and men. When men do not suppress, why should women? Very well, let’s return to Ms. Abbasgholizadeh. Ms. Abbasgholizadeh! Ms. Moshfeqi mentioned in her comments why men can satisfy their sexual needs in a seemingly less troublesome way—because they mentioned that some are not ready for marriage or commitment but have sexual needs and want to fulfill them—while women cannot do the same. This was a question she raised. As someone who opposes what is known in the West as a one-night stand and has seen translations of it in Persian, such as "one-night cohabitation" or being together for one night, what is your response to her? Abbasgholizadeh: I oppose one-night cohabitation. The reason is not that Iranian society is a closed and patriarchal society. Overall, a relationship that arises spontaneously without any prior plan based on excitement and involves engaging in a physical relationship is not a healthy relationship. I do not agree with the notion that anyone has the right to do whatever they want. I agree that the question is whether that action is healthy or not. For example, it is like saying that anyone has the right to eat fast food as much as they want; well, then that person gets into trouble. One-night cohabitation, due to the lack of prior planning and the fact that it does not activate different aspects of a relationship, is not healthy overall. In studies conducted among about 800 students at one university in America, we see that 25% of girls were satisfied with one-night cohabitation, while the number of boys was much higher, and in fact, half of them were satisfied. When a girl wakes up in the morning, studies show that she feels depressed and dissatisfied. She feels that her self-esteem has decreased. She does not feel empowered. A physical relationship or sexual relationship or emotional relationship should lead to happiness, but we see that this does not happen. Well, you pointed out an interesting point that I will return to Ms. Moshfeqi with. Ms. Moshfeqi! Ms. Abbasgholizadeh emphasizes that this relationship, beyond the limitations of society, exacerbates feelings of depression rather than fulfilling needs that would lead to happiness. Moshfeqi: In fact, there is another study at New York University that surveyed 371 college students about their sexual relationships, and it found that it had a positive impact. Ultimately, they concluded that the motivation for engaging in a one-night relationship is important in whether a person feels positive or whether it leads to depression. The personality of the person, the impact of social pressures, and what they want from that one-night relationship are all factors. Most of those who felt happy actually engaged in that relationship solely to satisfy their sexual needs, and for that reason, when their needs were met, they felt good. However, most of those who became depressed did not have that perspective on the one-night relationship. Many thought that a one-night relationship or even another term exists, "friends with benefits" (sex-based relationship), could lead to a more serious relationship. Or for example, in cases where they were feeling depressed or unhappy, they engaged in such a relationship, which exacerbated their feelings. Another study conducted in Norway showed that women are less satisfied, but interestingly, this lower satisfaction was not due to concerns about pregnancy, disease, or even feelings of shame, but rather because they did not experience sexual pleasure as they wanted. Ms. Abbasgholizadeh! Ms. Moshfeqi emphasizes personal motivations. I want to reach the question of whether one of the reasons you mentioned that women may feel depressed after engaging in one-night cohabitation or a relationship solely to satisfy sexual needs is that they, too, view the relationship formed through the lens of a patriarchal structure. This means that they feel they have given their bodies away, have been exploited, and interpret it in ways that are actually patriarchal interpretations in the relationships between men and women. Abbasgholizadeh: It is clear that we must view sexual relationships within the context of the social environment and the framework in which they occur. When I define one-night cohabitation as disempowering for women, it is due to the sexual historical period that Iranian society is living in, which is very similar to the historical period of the 1950s in American society. Traditional and conservative behaviors in the 1950s gradually moved towards a sexual revolution that we see peak in the 1980s. All these behaviors, such as one-night cohabitation and sexual rebellions that we now see happening more among young girls than boys in Iranian society, are very similar to that time. That is, we should not compare the current Iranian society and one-night cohabitation of an Iranian girl with a Norwegian or New Yorker girl. Iranian society is currently sexually agitated and chaotic because it is discarding all those traditions, and on the other hand, due to the closed nature of society or the traditional resistance that exists, it has not been able to reach a balance. My argument is that girls will be more victims of this sexual chaos than boys. Just as we see in American society, girls have suffered more. Reproductive health, body control in terms of sexual health, all these things were unknown at that time in American society, and we see that they are still unknown in Iranian society now. Ms. Moshfeqi, Ms. Abbasgholizadeh are indeed focusing on the consequences and implications of one-night cohabitation or relationships solely for satisfying sexual needs, and they use a term and say it is not healthy. I ask you, as a women's rights activist who defends this method of communication; when such relationships form or expand among youth in a society, do you not think that the status of women becomes more vulnerable?