Remember – Episode Twelve: Surviving and Narrating; Zara Jam's Account of Mohammad Moradi's Protest Suicide

Warning: Contains content related to suicide. Nothing is more important than human life. If you are thinking about suicide, please contact these special numbers for help: In Iran: Social Emergency 123, Consultant Voice 1480 or Tehran Psychiatric Emergency 44508200. In the USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 18002738255, or National Crisis and Suicide Prevention Line 988. In Canada: 911 or 18334564566. In the UK: 116123 and in Afghanistan: 119. "It was six in the evening, and I was going to work. Mohammad said he was going to take a walk by the river. I said goodbye, but I didn't know why I felt anxious. I returned home. I called him, but he didn't answer. I called several times, and he didn't pick up. The last time he answered, he asked me to sing him a lullaby. He said it was the last thing he wanted from me. I begged him not to do it. He hung up, and I ran towards the river in panic. I didn't even know where it was and was running aimlessly. Near the river, I saw fire trucks and police, and my heart sank. I ran towards the vehicles. I said, 'My husband, my husband.' I told them he had said he wanted to do this. They took me inside the ambulance and wouldn't let me out. They said divers were searching for him to rescue him. Unfortunately, from the time he jumped into the river until they found him... it seemed a couple had seen him. A young couple was there, and I asked them if they had seen anyone jump into the water. They were silent and looked at each other. The police had told them not to answer, but they were the ones who had informed the police and fire department to come. Even in the reports, it was mentioned that they tried to stop him, but he resisted and threw himself into the river. The rescue operation took a long time, and when they pulled him out of the water, they wouldn't let me see him. They only told me to show a video of him because they wanted to confirm it was him, and I showed them the last video where he said he was going to commit suicide for 'Women, Life, Freedom,' and they confirmed it was him. They asked if I had a friend or someone to go to. I was just screaming and crying. The doctor came and said, 'Unfortunately, we couldn't save him.' They covered the car windows so I couldn't see outside." This is the bitter and painful account of Zara Jam, the wife of Mohammad Moradi, a history graduate from France who, in the midst of the 'Women, Life, Freedom' protests against the situation in Iran, the repression of protesters, oppression, and the dictatorship ruling the country, committed suicide on December 26, 2022. Before his protest suicide, he published a video in Persian and French, stating that although life in Lyon was good, what was happening in Iran never left him. He said he would sacrifice his life for Iran and urged the protesting people not to be sad, but to rejoice because victory was ahead. He surrendered himself to the Rhone River, one of the two rivers flowing through the beautiful city of Lyon. I am against protest suicide! I still cannot go near the river. A month ago, I tried to do so, and it brought me immense sorrow, and I decided not to go there again. Even when the train passes by, I try not to look at the river because the reminder is very hard for me, and all the memories come back to me. I disagreed with his action, but I respect it. I never expected him to do this. It is very hard for me, and every day, every night, every second, I miss him. I wish he had stayed and chosen another way to fight. This way... I don't even know how to say it. I still can't believe he is gone. I still expect that when I open the door, he will say, 'Hello, my dear! I made tea for you.' Now, a year has passed since that time, and I still haven't thrown away the tea flask he made. I mean, this was the last tea flask Mohammad made, and it is still there? Yes. Well, how long do you want to keep it? I can't bring myself to throw it away. I can't even bring myself to drink tea. I can't cook. Cooking has become very hard for me, whereas when Mohammad was alive, I used to cook all the time because he loved my cooking. But now I can't. I start cooking, and I get overwhelmed with tears and immense sorrow. That's why I mostly eat raw food and don't cook. But you said that you disagree with what Mohammad did, which means denying life to himself, and maybe that is a guiding light for you to return to daily life. The truth is, since Mohammad did this, and because of the grief and pain I endured and those around me endured, although I think that anyone might think about suicide in their life, I haven't thought about it since Mohammad's death. I felt that I was imposing a lot of sorrow on others, and that is unfair. Zara, my dear, Mohammad committed a protest suicide. His suicide was a kind of political act - regardless of whether we agree with it or not - and unfortunately, it was an act that took him away. Did he have a clear idea about such behavior? Had he talked to you about it? I want to know what he was thinking. Why this method? Zara Jam: He talked about fighting and wished he could [fight]. For example, when the Ukraine-Russia war started, he said he wished he could go to Ukraine to fight. He wished he could do something. After these events happened in Iran, Mohammad was very restless. It is evident in his Instagram writings. He was very eager to do something and fight. He wanted to go there and fight. But he didn't know how. He didn't talk to me about it! One day before, he expressed something like that. I talked to him to reconsider, and he said he wouldn't think about it anymore. But then he did it again. What did he say the day before? I know he was a freedom-loving person. He was not indifferent to what was happening in the world. I understand that he thought about going to fight in Ukraine, but why did he think that an act like suicide and self-elimination could change something? What had such an effect on him? Zara Jam: He was very sad about the situation in Iran. He told me that if he could attract the world's attention to do something, he would be willing to do it. I told him not to even think about it because it is not fair for you to do such a thing. We talked a lot, and we even argued because I never expected Mohammad to say such a thing, but he said he had to do something. He said it couldn't continue like this anymore. In the face of so much oppression and evil, something had to be done. Before that, did he participate in the protests held in various cities? What did he do to show his protest? Those methods could have been completely sufficient. Zara Jam: Yes, he participated in gatherings. Even when I was hospitalized, he would go to protests on Saturdays after work. He even gave a speech once. I don't know. I really don't know. The truth is, Mohammad was very involved in politics. He was informed and updated about the news. He didn't talk much with his family, but he talked a lot with his friends inside Iran and was very aware. He said that finally, this revolution reached a point where it would achieve its main goal of 'Women, Life, Freedom.' He said this slogan is very important, and finally, the people of Iran realized that they had to give rights to women and consider this revolution theirs. He said he hoped that the person who comes to power with this revolution would be a woman and hoped that this would happen. The piece 'The Compassionate Dragon' sung by Mohammad Moradi. Mohammad Moradi was born in Kermanshah. He was a person of letters and books and familiar with philosophy. He wrote and read a lot. The writings that remain on his Instagram page are filled with social and political concerns. He was never oblivious to the events inside Iran. He helped people during the Kermanshah earthquake. In many of his notes, he wrote about sacrifice for his fellow beings. He had learned French well and was very interested in ancient history. In the video he published explaining his protest suicide, he says: 'I want to organize an epic act against the banality of life.' There are stories and pieces of writing left from him, some of which he has read in his own voice. 'The Compassionate Dragon' is one of them. It tells the story of a dragon that carries the sorrow of the people on its shoulders. Let's also talk a bit about Mohammad before immigration, the Mohammad who was in Iran, his interests, and concerns. What made you come to France? And what effect did this immigration have on Mohammad? Zara Jam: The story of our coming goes back to 2018. We always wanted to go to France, but in 2018, when the dollar and euro prices suddenly skyrocketed, it put a lot of economic pressure on everyone, and we were always worried about how we would live. We decided to sell our house and come to France. In Lyon, we found an online friend who kindly invited us. We came with a student visa for language studies. In 2020, Mohammad got accepted into the university. He had a master's degree in history from Iran, and here he said he would start from the bachelor's degree in history because it was French history. He started studying history while working in a museum or doing student jobs. He read a lot and studied. One of my regrets is that Mohammad couldn't use all his resources. He had really studied for years and years. I have his notebooks from his readings. There are several thick notebooks where he wrote his notes from the books or points that were interesting and educational for him. My regret is that Mohammad couldn't benefit from them. His French was just starting to improve. He spoke well and could present his research at the university. He had made a lot of progress. Unlike me, who was always in a state of sadness, he was always hopeful. I can't believe such a thing happened to Mohammad. The last person I would have thought would do this was Mohammad. Even when we came here, and I told him that the sadness of exile was driving me crazy, he said he didn't feel that way. He said it was very nice here. He quickly adapted to the situation. He looked at immigration as a new opportunity for progress and life... but I don't know. Even now... It's true that he states his reasons in the video and says he did it for 'Women, Life, Freedom,' but I can't accept that from him... I'm sure remembering it will hurt you... but after the police and firefighters managed to retrieve Mohammad from the water, what happened to you? You were alone here. You had no one in this city. How did you spend that night and those days? I think they sent you to the hospital. Zara Jam: (Crying) They sent me to the hospital because, given my history of depression, they were afraid to leave me alone. Because I said I had no friends or acquaintances in Lyon, and at that time, I really didn't. Now I have found some good friends. I was hospitalized, and then they sent me to a ward, and they increased my medication because I was very restless and crying, and I didn't know what had happened to me. A few days later, the police gave me Mohammad's bag. The backpack he had taken with him. His torn clothes were in it. I can't say what I felt when I saw his clothes. They had kept his phone for two months. The police had confiscated the phone and said we needed a judge's order to give it back to you. I didn't know what they were looking for. When I turned on the phone, I found my missed calls and some of Mohammad's writings about his decision, where he said he would do this. He said he hoped Zara could endure. I know she can build her life... he promised me. (Crying heavily). Protest suicide; the most severe protest with the heaviest consequences. Last year, in December, exactly around this time, Mohammad Moradi ended his life to draw the world's attention to the suppression of the 'Women, Life, Freedom' protests in Iran. Protest suicide is considered the ultimate form of protest. A method that has many opponents, and many have spoken about its cost, irreparability, and ineffectiveness. However, even before Mohammad Moradi, there were others who had taken the path of protest suicide. Niyousha Farahi, an exiled writer and critic, set herself on fire in protest against Ali Khamenei's trip as the then-president of the Islamic Republic to New York to speak at the United Nations. Homa Darabi, a psychiatrist and university professor, committed self-immolation in protest against compulsory hijab on February 21, 1994, in Tajrish Square, Tehran. Sahar Khodayari was only 29 years old and self-immolated in protest against her arrest and sentencing for entering a sports stadium. Many women and men over the years have taken their own lives under the pressure of oppression and repression of the Islamic Republic to display the most severe form of protest against governmental violence and repression. The most severe form of protest with the heaviest psychological consequences for survivors and loved ones. People like Zara Jam. I ask her when she finally managed to get up a little and return to life. Zara Jam: Can you believe that since I started talking to Dr. Keshavarz, I have been able to take care of myself a bit and understand that I am a person and can live and continue again? Until two months ago, I was always asleep. I didn't want to do anything. Sometimes I would paint, but I spent most of my time sleeping because being awake...