Reverse Age Gap in Marriage: Challenges and Judgments

They have called it reverse age gap; marriages in which the woman is significantly older than the man. Supporters say this is something that men have always done and has rarely seemed strange or been criticized. Opponents, however, argue that such a selective choice by women does not necessarily lead to a liberating experience. They say that the aging process in women is faster than in men, and marrying a man who is many years younger increases the likelihood of harm to themselves. However, whether we like it or not, changes in family marriage patterns are occurring. According to the latest statistics from the Iranian Civil Registration Organization, only in the first 9 months of 1995, 942 cases of marriage between men aged 20 to 24 and women older than them - in various age groups - have been registered. This statistic was even higher in previous years. Is the taboo surrounding the age of marriage for women being broken? Dr. Mehrang Khazaei, a clinical psychologist, and Mahbubeh Abbasgholi Zadeh, a women's rights activist, discuss this taboo on the program. Dr. Khazaei, as a clinical psychologist who advises women and men who come to you, perhaps it would be good to open this discussion about whether such a marriage is negative. What does it mean for a woman to be significantly older than a man, in your opinion and based on your expertise? Mehrang Khazaei: For centuries, men have sometimes married women who are 20 or 30 years younger, but we never ask why. Because this issue seems so normal to society that no one analyzes it. However, marriage between older women and younger men is a relationship that is somewhat controversial in society and is viewed negatively, while in the modern world we live in, age differences in marriage no longer matter. Why? Because what matters is the agreement between the couples. Unfortunately, when marriage comes up, everyone comments on the birth dates to see if two people are suitable for each other, while I believe what is important in a shared life is a deep understanding of each other's feelings and life circumstances. Now, women who marry a man 20 or 25 years younger usually have had a previous experience of shared life, are in control of themselves, know who they are, and what they need in life, which increases their attractiveness to be able to make a young man dependent on them. Due to their experience, they understand the man better and do not try to change him. They have lower expectations of the man, and these are the things that young women usually struggle with, and most marital disputes among young couples stem from these issues and high expectations. Well, there were many interesting points raised by Dr. Khazaei. Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh, you are our other guest. The point that Dr. Khazaei made about the understanding between two people in marriage being important; but does this understanding not relate to age? Mahbubeh Abbasgholi Zadeh: You see, part of the issue is this. It has another meaning, which is that the understanding of both parties is not balanced. Because one person understands more and has more experience, while the other does not understand as much. In fact, this can create a parent-child relationship or an unequal relationship, while one of the most important issues in marriage is that people have an equal relationship, experience together, and grow together. The ability to walk a path together is one of the most important parts of marriage and partnership in life, rather than one person carrying a heavier burden and now having reached a stage where they are pulling another person onto their shoulders to reach that stage. I think there are many flaws in this; more than its benefits. One of its major flaws is that generational experiences are not the same, and as a result, we do not have the same historical experiences, experiences of music, of events that have happened in society for both of us, our experiences of growing up through economic ups and downs, in job acquisition. Because when a person is young, they start from a certain stage and continue to rise. Or even hormonally; because in different periods, different aspects of women or men become active, and their outlook on life changes year by year... Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh, sorry before you continue your discussion; you mentioned an important point. You said that generational experiences, the type of life people have gone through, historical experiences... these differ. Ms. Khazaei pointed out that men have done this for years and no one questions it and it is not strange for anyone. What is your response to this? Abbasgholi Zadeh: You see, because men have used their power and wanted to marry younger, fresher, more beautiful, and virgin girls; therefore, now we should do the opposite and go for younger boys who are gentler and more beautiful and give us the sense of life and youth that we need in midlife. But this is merely a reactive behavior. I am saying this from a feminist perspective. Feminism does not mean that whatever men do is great and we should do it too. No, we should critique it, not just do it ourselves and say that now we are equal. Very well, Ms. Khazaei, you heard Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh's comments. Regarding this difference in experiences that you spoke about positively, Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh sees it as a negative point that can make the relationship unequal. Could you elaborate on this? Khazaei: You see, in the time we live in, where we witness changes in behaviors and traditions every day, and white marriage, which has become very common in Iran, where a man and woman live together under one roof by mutual agreement and establish a bond for an indefinite period; therefore, marriage of an older woman to a younger man should not be a significant issue. Moreover, we must also pay attention to the fact that every human being is different from another. The emotional needs of each person are different, and the reason why some men are attracted to older women is due to their mental conditions and needs. If a young man finds his happiness in living with a woman or man who is older than him, I see no problem with that. If they are comfortable in a power relationship, that is their choice, and we must respect their choice. Just as society has accepted the marriage of older men to younger women, it should also accept the marriage of older women to younger men as a human right. An interesting point for me, Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh, in Dr. Khazaei's comments was that if two people are comfortable in a power relationship, this should be accepted. Perhaps you would like to elaborate on this. Abbasgholi Zadeh: No, there is no problem. Love is love, but we are not talking about love. We are not talking about a romantic relationship where a woman and a man with a significant age difference are involved and now want to be together for a while and experience it. We are talking about marriage. It is not necessarily the case that if two people love each other, they must marry. If a man falls in love with a woman who is 45 or 50 years old at the age of 25, what are the chances of fertility for him? Because after all, the issue of children comes into play. We are talking about marriage and family. In terms of marriage and family, this age gap poses a very high risk for both the man and the woman. However, regarding whether a woman wants to take power in a relationship, what is wrong with that? There is no problem. If I enjoy that power relationship, there is no problem as long as it does not become a suppressive factor for me. Thus, if a woman is 20 or 25 years older than a man, you consider the romantic relationship between them to be problem-free, but their marriage to be problematic. Ms. Khazaei, do you think this point has room for a response? Khazaei: Now, if you look at the divorce statistics, you will see how high they are, and most of them are young people, and mostly due to their responsibilities and differences. But a man who enters a power relationship with a woman who is older than him is filling an inner void. Because that woman gives him something that a young woman cannot provide, and then emotional, affectionate, and romantic relationships occur at any age for us humans. Now, if a young man marries a woman who is older than him and then thinks that after a while he will go with a younger woman. The same could happen to that woman. If she has managed to attract a young man, she can certainly attract men her own age as well because she has an attractiveness that can draw men in. Therefore, we live in a modern world. Everything is changing; the internet world and culturally, people's educational levels have risen. One of the institutions that generational changes have greatly affected is the family institution. Challenges have arisen between traditional lives and modern values, and the most significant generational gap is in this issue of marriage. So much so that it has come out of its traditional molds, and constraints have lessened. That is why young men are marrying women who can be significantly older than them. Young people are looking for change. Ms. Khazaei, as a psychologist, I ask you. Many say that "women age or become old faster than men" and that you say that the woman can also choose another man for herself when her husband does such a thing. This question may arise for our listeners that in many cases, they have seen that this has not been the case, and for example, a woman who had a significant age gap of 30 years with a man; this happened to her in such a way that she ended up broken and harmed or abandoned from the relationship. Khazaei: Of course, women due to the menopause process and the physical changes that occur in their bodies have a limited time both for having children and for that vitality, but now it has become a period where women do not break down like before. Everyone takes care of themselves, exercises, eats well, takes care of their face and body, it is not like before. But in every relationship, there are always challenges that can jeopardize the relationship. These challenges can exist in living with a young man, with an older man, with a young woman... these challenges always exist. It depends on the inner personality of the woman how she can take care of herself after a romantic failure. Ms. Abbasgholi Zadeh, do these general challenges in people's relationships or in marriage not differ? Does the amount and form of challenges not change? Abbasgholi Zadeh: You see, I am thinking about a 45-year-old woman entering a relationship with a 25-year-old man. The first two or three years are basically a honeymoon phase in all relationships. But as this progresses and the man wants to mature, and as he matures, his worldview changes, and his outlook on work, the world, femininity, and sexuality changes, and the woman too. Now, suppose they want to enter the social sphere together, go to parties and restaurants together. In restaurants, it is often mistaken that "you and your mother." Well, I want to see if someone once tells this [husband] of the woman what food will you order for your mother - I want to mention the everyday discussions that happen - well, what feeling does this give to the woman? Or if they say to the woman, "your son"? What feeling does it give? I want to say that we do not live in a society that does not judge us. That judgment affects our relationship. It is not that we say that now the time has changed and women take care of themselves more. Well, how much do women take care of themselves? Women have to take care of themselves from morning till night to be fresh for a man? I want to be at my age of fifty when I am fifty. I want my wrinkles to show when I am fifty. I want to keep my hair white when it turns white. Why should I have to keep myself looking like a young woman for a man? Yes, there are women aged 45 to 50 who are at the peak of beauty and power. But do they feel this process that after this how much do they differ when they look in the mirror? Does a woman not feel hurt when she sees that the young man is looking at a child playing in the park or has attracted the attention of a girl? When we say the times have changed, which times are we talking about? Are we talking about the times in Iran or the times in America? In the times of Iran, these events happen. Ms. Khazaei referred to their social judgment. In fact, it may be a very general but valid question. What psychological feelings arise in that woman and man with such social judgments?