The Custodian of Astan Quds' Issues with Google and YouTube

Dear Ahmad Khan, I have been a writer and satirist for many years, even at the time your article was published in Ettela'at. However, everything I wrote daily never had the impact of that one piece you wrote! We were young and wanted to revolutionize, but your piece, which aimed to prevent a revolution, actually fueled or accelerated it. About 140 days remain until the anniversary of the revolution, and as we get closer, I find myself wanting to speak to you more. This is the fourth letter I am writing to you. I signed the previous three with (for example) your brother 'Mahmoud Rashidi Motlaq,' thinking you might not recognize me and dismiss my letters, but I found that in some places my hands were tied, and I needed to be myself. You will gradually understand which parts I mean! From now on, I can express myself more freely. Ahmad Khan! You wrote an article to undermine Khomeini, but you ruined the country. If the Shah had gone to the letter writers at the post office, they would have written it better than you. If today's technology had been available, the Shah would have posted a cotton ball from 'Seyyed Hindi' on his Facebook, and only Giscard d'Estaing from France would have dared to comment! Let me explain the current situation in the country: Terrorism: Shooting in Ahvaz resulted in the death and injury of several military and civilian individuals. Of course, as everyone knows, any terrorist operation that the Islamic Republic is involved in is fundamentally discredited. Interestingly, in this national tragedy and amidst all this chaos, journalists are not unaware of the only 'celebrity' present at the scene and are broadcasting photos of the artist who was being honored by the Friday prayer leader of Ahvaz. The tragedy is here! The world could explode, but the cleric's heart should not tremble. Today's journalism defines news as 'where the journalist is.' In the Islamic Republic, news is where a cleric is! What was the Friday prayer leader doing at the ceremony on Saturday? Probably to collect an extraordinary day's salary. Love turned to hatred: A person who was once closer to the leader than Rafsanjani is now given the farthest seat from the 'center of gravity' of the parliament at the government ceremony of the night of mourning. If the photographer's lens had not been so generous, he wouldn't even have appeared in the photo. Apparently, the leader and his associates want to undermine him. But will they succeed? Our imaginary journalist interviewed him: - Mr. Ahmadinejad! It seems this night of mourning was lonelier for you than all the others? - How so? - You were far away. - Far from where? - From the leadership's position? - Ha. Yes, especially I sat by the door to leave quickly to meet Mashai. They released him yesterday; I said he shouldn’t come out until our situation with them is clear. That's why I sat in this corner to leave quickly. What's wrong? Did the leader complain? Baha'i persecution: The government does not relent in its oppression of the Baha'i religious minority. Yesterday, the Islamic Republic's Basij forces arrested a young Baha'i man who has a university education. He is currently being interrogated about how he managed to gain admission to university and pursue higher education. The indictment states that while the sacred law severely prohibits Baha'is from education, this young Baha'i managed to reach the relevant faculties by sneaking through the bars behind his university and, pretending to be a Muslim while chanting 'Hussein, Hussein' to deceive the authorities, attended classes and listened to the professors. It is also reported that this non-Muslim made a fake key to sneak into the classes at night and copied notes from the blackboard or took photos with his mobile to continue his education secretly. In this regard, two professors who either accidentally or deliberately did not clean the blackboard well are also under suspicion. According to a judicial official, this Baha'i is to be tortured until he confesses to all the material he has learned up to the doctoral level and guarantees that he will never use that knowledge or acknowledge it. Tatloo and the Third Imam: His Excellency Tatloo, a singer of the younger generation and an electoral advisor to Hojjatoleslam Ebrahim Raisi, who would likely have appointed Tatloo as the head of state television if he became president, has recently fallen under the curse of Friday prayer leaders (and the rest of the week). Tatloo, in a tweet published outside Iran, made insults against the third Imam of Shia Islam, and it is unclear why God has not punished him yet. Now the esteemed custodian of Astan Quds Razavi is left with the barbs and jabs of 'Tatloo-Hosseini' and is reportedly offering a reward for anyone who can remove photos and videos of him with Tatloo from Google and YouTube or possibly replace Tatloo's image with that of the Imam of the Time! It is said that Mr. Raisi, who was a member of the 'four-member execution committee,' stated that the thousands of political and ideological prisoners we killed did not bring me as much pleasure as if I could catch Tatloo and strangle him, because this one is truly guilty. Confronting the enemy: Hassan Rouhani, the President of the Islamic Republic, went to the United Nations with full confidence and stated that he would talk with many world leaders, Muslims, politicians, and media editors, claiming he wants to make America regret. However, political observers believe that with these blusterings, he only wants to overshadow Nasrin Sotoudeh! Unconfirmed reports indicate that the Supreme Leader has instructed Rouhani to settle accounts with Nasrin Sotoudeh before dealing with the Ahvazi terrorists. It is said that since the day Rouhani stated in a televised debate with Qalibaf, 'I am a lawyer,' he has implicitly declared his confrontation with this legal lady. After the imprisonment of Ms. Sotoudeh's husband, rumors have circulated about the arrest of her brother-in-law as well. Rouhani at the United Nations: These days, what has worried the nation is the reminder of the unfulfilled meeting between President Khatami and President Clinton in 2000, which has resurfaced recently, where Clinton was pacing in the UN hallway, hoping to accidentally run into Khatami and shake hands. The narrator writes: 'However, Khatami's guards took him to the UN restrooms, and he stayed there until Bill Clinton got tired and left in despair.' This time, Trump has taken Clinton's place. He is also not someone who can be escaped from or hidden in the restroom. He would grab the person by the collar and say, 'Where are you going?' We know Trump well. Now, has Rouhani planned to escape to the restroom? Has the Supreme Leader instructed him to use Khatami's experience and possibly get a map of the UN restrooms from him? Here a question arises: 'Issue -20181397- A Muslim president of an Islamic country, to avoid facing the president of the world-dominating America, hastily sneaks into a restroom at the UN and suddenly encounters Netanyahu. What is permissible for him to do?'. Another concern that has arisen, especially likely, is that the clerics and elders of the Assembly of Experts and the Guardian Council are sensitive to know if Rouhani takes refuge in the restroom, will he consider entering with his left foot or not? And will he be careful to exit with his right foot? You don’t know, Ahmad Khan, this entering the restroom with which foot is part of the revolutionary achievements you sparked. For now, this obsession and questioning of the clerics have caused Khatami's past to come under scrutiny. Because they say it does not seem that he, in his haste, considered left and right. These factors seem to have also contributed to his being banned from appearing. Dear Mr. Motlaq. In those days when the talk of exporting the revolution was prevalent, we also had the hope that one day they would write on the doors of American restrooms: 'Enter with left foot - Exit with right foot,' but alas, none of those sweet dreams came true. Neither was water and electricity free, nor were American restrooms guided. Ahmad Khan, next week I will write more for you than the tales of red and black reaction! Good night - Hadi Hadi Khorsandi Hadi Khorsandi is a renowned Iranian writer, poet, and satirist residing in London. His writings have been familiar to Iranian and Persian-speaking audiences for years, sharing satirical pieces in the form of weekly letters with Radio Farda's audience.