The Front and Back of the Thamen Coin, the Superstitious General, Azrael's Request, and Other Matters

Dear Dr. Velayati, Greetings. I was writing these letters for the founder of the revolution, Mr. Ahmad Rashidi Motlaq! But today, on the 120th day of the glorious revolution, I would like to address you. Mr. Doctor Children! (I won't mention the other thirty or forty titles and epithets you have, as I fear my life won't suffice.) In summary, Ahmad Rashidi Motlaq wrote a letter, and the leftists and guerrillas helped, intellectuals wrote articles, poets composed poems, and satirists wrote satire, while the Shah imprisoned his SAVAK, confirming the sound of revolution so that you young "Islamic-labor" could crawl out of the corners of Islamic associations and become the grooms of the clerics "going to the wedding" to pick the fruits of the revolution and eat them fresh and make jam and pickles, and in old age, enjoy compote. Thus, today, the residence of this pediatrician is larger than the children's hospital, and in every pocket, he has a "Sharif Imami" who was known as the busiest man of the Aryamehr era. There is no etiquette or arrangement for a permit! Your recent statement that people in Yemen wear loincloths and eat dry bread, even if it were said the other way around, would not matter. That is, if you had said Yemenis wrap dry bread around themselves and eat loincloths, it would still not have made a difference. Yesterday, your office head explained it, which was more meaningless than your original statement. Silence from us, microphone from you; do not be overly meticulous, dear. It does not matter what you say. As long as the people have no voice and the podiums belong to you, and the microphone is open in front of you, and the camera is zoomed in on you, say whatever comes to your tongue and do not worry about the meaning. Thus, you can easily martyr the horrific poetry of Hafez. The Mongols did not do this to our literature as you did in two minutes with Hafez's ghazal. YouTube is a witness. I remember a few years ago, a journalist who did not remain silent in a meeting was bitten by the cleric judge! After that, when this cleric judge held a press conference, I was only curious about counting his microphones. This same doctor, I leave you to the waiting microphones and cameras so I can get to my work. Good night. *** The Leader in the Stadium Last Thursday, His Excellency Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic, shot a few shots at the opponent's goal in Azadi Stadium, some of which were offside, and some hit the goalpost, and none scored. In journalistic terms, no correct headline emerged from their statements. It seems they scored a goal against themselves when they said, "What I am saying is not mere bragging and slogans!" The fact that the Supreme Leader casts doubt on the listener to remove doubt and explicitly states that he is not a liar is considered "doubt" by jurists and philosophers and is counted as an "own goal" by footballers. The Supreme Leader's shot that "we are not in a deadlock" went out, and his shots at the enemy and America were mocked by sports commentators. Meanwhile, the Islamic Association of Camel Drivers has expressed its protest against this verse recited by the Supreme Leader: "The camel dreams of cotton seeds – sometimes munching it, sometimes one by one." An exclusive interview with our reporter with a camel: - Excuse me, can I take your time? - If it is about the Supreme Leader's poetry reading, I must say it is not the first time he has read this poem. He read the first line on March 8, 2018, "on the eve of the blessed birth of Lady Fatimah (peace be upon her)" in the presence of "praisers and singers of the Ahl al-Bayt," and we camels said nothing. The day before yesterday, in Azadi Stadium, he read the entire verse for the second time. Again, we say nothing. We camels believe that until three, it is not a game. We are waiting for him to read it once more so we can say, "Hey man! Are you a dream interpreter of a caravan? Are you Dr. Halakouei, the camel who interprets camels' dreams?" - Are you angry, dear? - Well, a person, I mean a camel, gets angry. Oh dear. - Now, can you tell me what kind of dreams you usually have? - I usually dream that I am someone in the Islamic Republic. An Imam Jum'ah, a minister, an advisor, a general, a deputy, a eulogist. I have a large caravanserai in front of dear Dr. Velayati's house, next to an indoor pool, there is a Russian carved box that Putin sent me. It is full of cotton seeds, and my bodyguard feeds me. This is the best dream a camel can have. A bird that eats figs trembled when it saw the famous footballer Ali Daei. They asked why? It said it was an aftershock of the Kermanshah earthquake. It said I collected money for the earthquake victims, and now I have been summoned to ask where the money is? The late Gholamreza Takhti collected a lot of help from merchants and people during the Bou'in-Zahra earthquake and rushed to help the earthquake victims. No one asked him for accounts. Now, after sixty years, we see that it is not easy to become Gholamreza Takhti, just as it is not easy to become Amir Kabir. Only getting rich is easy! "It cannot be done easily – the champion Akbar Khorasani" Zahra Rahnavard and her self-service house arrest rumors regarding the lifting of house arrest from Mrs. Zahra Rahnavard remain shrouded in denial. In women's circles, it is said that with this two-layered hijab that Mrs. Rahnavard has confined herself in, she does not seem to have much interest in lifting her house arrest. It is said that the government intends to hit less veiled women by freeing Mrs. Zahra. Do your own work! Contrary to the common black portrayal of the esteemed Ayatollahs and Islamic statesmen who have gone to various hospitals in various European countries for various treatments, none of them have gone abroad for hair transplants and baldness treatment. It is said that in response to former Tehran Mayor Qalibaf, who said he wanted to go to Australia to get hair transplants, the Minister of Health told him, "Do it yourself right here!" However, although the Minister of Agriculture has promised all kinds of cooperation for hair transplants to Qalibaf, he ultimately took his head to Australia, meaning he ended up in Sydney. It seems there is talk of buying land and agriculture, and they are going to plant things other than hair. A thousand points are thinner than hair here! Truck drivers and General Truck Crusher The government's confrontation with the strike of truck drivers (who do not own trucks) continues. In this regard, our reporter interviewed General Truck Crusher, who has been dispatched to suppress the truck drivers. It seems you have arrested several truck drivers. What are their charges? We have no charges. In the Islamic Republic, anyone we arrest has their crime established. What is established about these detainees? Well, they had cut the brakes. Of course, they say they have professional demands. When will you release them? It depends on the ceiling of their demands. Some we just change their oil, some we take their engine out. What help does the government want to provide for truck supplies? In the name of God. So far, all the officials' talks have been about providing air for their tires. It was not air. What is your future plan? Fortunately, our technical brothers, just as they made a drone... what do they call it... it has a good name... drone. Yes, as I said, they made a drone, they are now working on making a driverless truck so we can get rid of truck drivers. Overall, those who think the regime is stuck and has fallen into oil burning, as the Supreme Leader said, "the camel dreams of cotton seeds." Do you have a message for the people? Tell the people to honk and go forward. I apologize to the martyr-loving nation that I forgot to start with the name of God. Honestly, I thought your tape recorder was not on. Superstitious General General Hossein Salami, deputy commander of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, says: "The people have nullified the enemies' sorcery over the 40 years of the Islamic Revolution." The fortune teller at the grave of the Imam also says: Thank God I escaped military service; otherwise, I too would have believed in sorcery and magic like this general of the IRGC! General Salami emphasized: "We tell the wandering Prime Minister (of Israel) instead of deceiving the world about our progress, he should learn to swim in the Mediterranean and practice because there is no way other than to throw him into the sea." It is unclear how the dear and superstitious general knows that Netanyahu does not know how to swim. Of course, it is not unlikely that he does not know, just as when Admiral Shamkhani became the commander of the Navy, the press wrote that he did not know how to swim. After all, a person cannot know how to do everything. Yesterday, a gentleman on the internet brought a quote and posted a video that Ayatollah Nouri Hamadani does not know how to read the Quran. The head of Ayatollah's office responded, "Because the Quran is in Arabic!" No, I am joking. Still, there has been no response from the Ayatollah and his office, but a response from Mr. Netanyahu – who is supposed to be thrown into the sea – has come for General Salami: Dear General, while thanking you for your human feelings, to save time, I want to know how you plan to throw us into the sea? If you throw us face down, I should learn frog swimming; if you throw us on our backs, I should start practicing backstroke, and if you throw us from above, I should go learn diving and jumping. In conclusion, I have two conditions. One is that by then, you do not dry up the Mediterranean Sea, and the other is that you do not flirt with America underwater. The Front and Back of the Thamen Coin The arrest of the fleeing CEO of Thamen Coin was the hot news of the week! Last Sunday, "by the grace of God" and with the cooperation of Interpol and local police and "with reliance on the Almighty God" and "with the cooperation of the aware and faithful people" and accompanied by some local Colombo lieutenants and Turkish James Bonds, finally, this one fell into the "clutches of the Islamic Republic system." Thus, all thefts, embezzlements, deals, injustices, plunders, murders, crimes, executions, and massacres were avenged, and the country returned to normal, and it is likely that the sanctions have also been lifted! Cinematically, this incident resembled the arrest of Abdolmalek Rigi, the leader of Jundallah, and it seems it was the same director's work. From a literary perspective, the announcement of the police forces in this case has brought a significant transformation in the police literature of our country. The excitement of the matter was so great that the commander of NAJA and the deputy head of Cyber Police and the head of the judiciary asked Mr. Zahidi Far to escape once again so they could arrest him again! But it seems the person did not agree and apologized that "you do not leave any dignity for a person!" Azrael's Request After the disease-hostile and death-centered remarks of the esteemed Minister, Mr. Qazizadeh Hashemi, news has come that Azrael went to God and asked to change his job title from "Angel of Death" to "Minister of Health and Treatment of the Divine Court!" Hadi Kharsandi Hadi Kharsandi is a renowned Iranian writer, poet, and satirist residing in London. He has shared satirical writings in the form of weekly letters with Radio Farda audiences for years.