Why Do They Say 'Men Don't Cry'?

Men don't cry. This phrase is something that both women and men have undoubtedly heard many times from childhood to adulthood, at home, in school, and on the street. But why don't men cry? Why does the taboo of men crying still exist? Why is crying defined as a weakness and considered a 'feminine' behavior in a large part of public culture? Is someone who finds a way to express their emotions necessarily weak? What damage has this taboo done to equal, healthy, and happy relationships between women and men? Dr. Mehrangiz Khazaei, a clinical psychologist, and Azadeh Davachi, a women's rights activist, have come together in this program to discuss these questions. Dr. Khazaei begins the discussion by asking where the taboo of men not crying originates. Why do we hear the phrase 'men don't cry' so often? From men themselves; many men believe that certain behaviors like crying and expressing emotions are not suitable for them, and from society and many women who may not evaluate a man as suitable if he cries. Where does this taboo originate? Khazaei explains that this taboo comes from upbringing. The education of boys and girls from childhood plays a very important role in their behavior in adulthood. Boys are always taught to control their inner world and to always achieve success. Boys are told not to cry because they are supposed to become men, responsible for family life. Accordingly, boys learn responsibility and focus their self-confidence more on their responsibilities and successes, paying less attention to their emotions, while girls are educated very differently. They are taught to be mothers and responsible for the home and husband, focusing more on their emotions. This is why men learn from childhood to hold back their emotions and not cry, and these differences attract them to each other but also cause problems between them. The issue is that most of the time they do not want to accept that they are different from each other and instead want to change each other according to their own desires. They resent each other's differences and resist them, but if they understand that they are different, it could lead to a much better relationship for them because not only is their brain structure different, but they also use their brains differently. Women have more connections between the left and right hemispheres of the brain, which gives them the ability and skill for dialogue, while men’s connections are more on one hemisphere, which gives them the ability to think. Plato, one of the great philosophers, states in his book 'The Republic' that women and men have similar abilities and that women can take on the same responsibilities as men and enjoy the same rights. He also admits that women are weaker in terms of spiritual forces and considers men stronger, but Aristotle, his student, argues that women's talents are not the same as men's and that they are different, and even the law of creation has made them different. If we look closely at different cultures and civilizations, we realize that the issue of the difference between men and women has been significant both structurally and emotionally, and this Aristotelian way of thinking has always been present in cultures and civilizations. It appears from Dr. Khazaei's words that by referring to the biological differences between men and women, she concludes that expressing emotions is essentially a more feminine behavior and that women are more emotional and expressive than men, while men are more logical and rational. She believes that understanding these differences in emotional relationships can be helpful. However, there have been many objections to such categorization. What is your opinion, Ms. Davachi? Davachi responds that she thinks the essentialist view proposed by ancient philosophers like Aristotle and Plato focuses solely on the essence and creation of humans as a substance and that this stereotyping of men as very logical and women as very emotional has continued until now. Second-wave feminists have strongly challenged this issue, arguing that such distinctions should not create differences between men and women, and that saying men are more logical and women are more emotional leads to inequality and imbalance in relationships. When we say men are logical and women are emotional, men always expect women to express emotions while they themselves have none. This stereotyping has been challenged, especially in the twentieth century when Simone de Beauvoir stated that humans are not born women but are made into women by society. Both women and men have a series of differences and commonalities, but this should not lead to distinctions that say women are more emotional and men are logical, and that men don't cry. These are all stereotypes that have been constructed over the years, and sometimes men can be more emotional than women, and it is perfectly fine for them to express this. Dr. Khazaei, Ms. Davachi points out that your view of dividing women and men into emotional and logical categories contributes to inequality and may be one of the reasons men accept the stereotype that 'men don't cry.' Khazaei responds that one reason men do not want to express their feelings is fear. A man who fears inadequacy does not express his feelings because he thinks that this feeling may be a weakness for him and he fears judgment about what people and his wife might think of him. Another reason is responsibility; they worry that if they express their feelings, it will create responsibilities for them, which is why they do not want to show their feelings. As I mentioned, showing feelings has responsibilities. What does it mean to have responsibilities? Every behavior we choose as adults, whether male or female, certainly has consequences and responsibilities for us. Expressing feelings is the same. Does it not have responsibilities for women? Khazaei continues that for example, if a man cries in front of his wife, he feels that she will consider him weak and will no longer respect him as the man who supports the family. If he talks too much about his feelings, he thinks that the woman may demand more from him. Therefore, he feels that whatever he does, the woman will want more from him. Ms. Davachi, what do you respond to Dr. Khazaei? Davachi states that when we assume the man is the pillar of the family, this is essentially the principle of patriarchy, which assumes that the woman has no identity in the family and her identity is formed only in the shadow of the man. Unfortunately, many men believe this and think that if we pay attention to this, it will make them arrogant. Things that are even presented as jokes or humor, or even things mentioned on Iranian television, such as the recent case where a woman said on television that when your husband comes home, you should massage his feet in a basin of water. These are all stereotypes that define women's identity under the shadow of men, and now it is neither like the past nor is a woman's definition like before. Families now are such that mothers work outside, or women work while their husbands do not. These changes have altered many forms and structures, and we can no longer say that men should expect women to provide all the emotions. Some men still do not want to accept that it does not cause disgrace if a man expresses his feelings or says 'darling, I love you' or expresses any of his feelings. Dr. Khazaei? Khazaei responds that Ms. Davachi beautifully describes men in Europe and America, but in our country, Iran, where men and women do not have equality, one of the most difficult issues between men and women, especially in Iran, is how to deal with their emotions and differences. For men, especially in a patriarchal society like Iran, life and expressing emotions are more complicated because they think that if a woman becomes aware of their feelings, she will take advantage of them and they will lose their freedom. We humans always unconsciously judge each other's behavior based on our weaknesses. While it is true that one of a woman's deepest desires is for a man to talk about his thoughts, feelings, and aspirations, because a woman thinks that the man has allowed her to enter his world, this will not happen in a place like our country. The percentage of women working and being independent is still much lower. Women are still dependent. Therefore, when you are dependent, your life story will be different. You cannot be equal. In a society like Iran, although laws have given men more power and women fewer rights, still, in any relationship, men are blamed. For example, if a woman cheats on her husband, it is said to be due to the husband's bad behavior. If a woman becomes addicted, it is said that her husband led her to this path. Suppose they get married, and the woman demands a large dowry to protect herself, and if the man cannot pay it, she throws him in prison and tortures and humiliates him. Thus, Ms. Davachi! Dr. Khazaei interprets gender inequality in Iran as placing women in a subordinate position, but on the other hand, it also causes men, as she says, to be 'tortured' by women. What is your analysis? Davachi replies that she does not agree with her. Now, regarding the issue of work, which they mention, women are still very dependent on their husbands. In fact, many women are now working in Iranian society, and statistics show that women's participation has significantly increased compared to the past. The issue I want to raise about the dowry is that this is due to the laws, not because of the abuse of men. One must also look at the other side of the issue: if a woman sets a high dowry, she has no right to divorce, no right to custody of children, and no right to separation. Nothing belongs to a woman who separates from her husband. Many women often cannot even receive these dowries. I do not agree with heavy dowries, but I am saying that why a woman in Iranian society has to do this. Women in Iran, despite working outside, are also mothers. We do not even see women's work at home as work. This is a very significant task. Being a mother is a very big job. Now, if there is no mother, housework is still a big job. Khazaei responds that in a country like Iran, if you look at the statistics, you must see what percentage have education, what percentage work, what percentage can be independent, and then talk about it. What I know is that there is now a fear that men have of marriage. Why? Because of heavy dowries, because they have to support a woman and pay for her expenses. When we talk about equality, if they [men] knew that, like in America and Europe, women and men work and bring their money home and manage their lives, if such a thing existed, men would not be so afraid of marriage. Women do have their dependencies. It is true; women still play a significant role in society despite having fewer rights. A woman is someone who can deliver children to society from a warm family center, whether with or without her husband's support, who embody all human values. Therefore, I have no problem with women's abilities. Even women may be weaker in spiritual forces because they act on their emotions, but they are very strong physically. A woman can experience issues like pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding throughout her life. But what I want to say is that we are talking about a society that has given more rights to men, but that does not mean that they [men] have more feelings about themselves. Specifically, Dr. Khazaei, in the emotional relationship between men and women and the issue of expressing feelings that we are discussing, you believe that men are also victims of patriarchy. I want to know besides the economic responsibilities you emphasize, what other examples can you provide?