Why is 'Motherhood' Sacred and Associated with Expectations of Self-Sacrifice?

"Heaven lies beneath the feet of mothers"; a phrase that sanctifies motherhood. Is the sanctification of motherhood a privilege granted to women by society, family, culture, and religions, or is it a limitation imposed on them? Julia Kristeva, a French-Bulgarian writer and philosopher, offers an interesting interpretation; she, who identifies herself as a proponent of a "new maternal discourse," speaks of the distinction society makes between the "maternal body" and the "female body." The female body is often associated with concepts like sin, shame, sex, and modesty, while the maternal body is linked to selflessness, sacrifice, and reproduction. The question arises: must what we refer to as maternal affection necessarily be accompanied by stereotypes such as maternal sacrifice and selflessness? Can men not possess maternal affection? Is motherhood an exclusive domain of women? This week on Taboo, we will host Asieh Amini, a women's rights activist, and Dr. Foujan Zini, a psychotherapist and family counselor. I begin this week's program with Dr. Zini. The status of motherhood, the sacred position of mothers, is something we have heard and continue to hear at all levels in Iranian society. Some believe that "heaven lies beneath the feet of mothers" and that the sanctification of motherhood essentially limits women solely to motherhood and the role of a mother. A woman is sacred in this position and it is better for her to remain in this position. What do you think about this? Foujan Zini: The female body is a vessel that is supposed to nurture and bring forth the next generation, and after giving birth, depending on different cultures, the position that a mother and a woman chooses becomes very important in terms of her role in raising the next generation. The value that is placed on this issue or the saying "heaven lies beneath the feet of mothers" is, in my opinion, very beautiful. Still, in larger societies, the role of the mother is emphasized, especially in the early years of a person's life, which is the most important time for shaping their personality, to be alongside the mother. That is where, in my view, the responsibility that falls on the mother is significantly greater. In patriarchal societies, it is clear that this is used to show the position of women or at least to give value to one of the positions that women have, while not necessarily giving that value to other positions that a woman can hold. It seems that there is a place where this value is finally being given? Is this value only given to suppress women? I do not see it that way. At least I do not view the feminist space from a war perspective. I say thank you for giving this value in one place and now we want to go and value other parts as well so that every role a woman plays is valued. Motherhood is a role. Now, if at some point this role is elevated, in my opinion, we do not need to bring it down. We are supposed to keep it elevated and then go and encompass our other roles and choose their value. Very well, Ms. Amini, you heard Dr. Zini's opinion. She says that in a patriarchal society, the sanctification of women's motherhood is something to be grateful for. I want to know what you think about this? Asieh Amini: You see, in my opinion, when we talk about motherhood and then the role of a mother, we are actually mixing two aspects; one is biological, which is essentially the common boundary between humans and animals, and relates to feminine or maternal hormones, to the parental role of the mother, or to what happens in her body and existence when she nurtures a being within herself. The social role of the mother is what we are discussing here. In fact, the responsibilities and expectations we address in the social and cultural dimension. Well, this is where the discussion lies. Here, I believe we should consider motherhood as a function of the cultural and social characteristics of each society. In my opinion, the institution of family has a political reason for its existence. Since the time humans made the rational decision to live socially, they needed institutions that, in addition to survival struggles and the role they provided to the population, could transmit the norms of this society to the next generation, and for this reason, the family unit plays a significant political and social role. The question of why motherhood is sanctified essentially answers what expectations society has of mothers. Therefore, considering that Dr. Zini pointed out that the role given to mothers is not bad and should be preserved, I disagree with this view because this position has not been assigned to women and men based on fairness and human and gender justice. Therefore, I consider this position to be false. Thus, we need reasons for the formation of this position. Well, Ms. Zini, Ms. Amini disagreed with you, and she also referred to the similarity of motherhood between humans and animals, and I want to use this to ask you, based on your expertise, is motherhood in humans an instinct? Some say pregnancy may be instinctual, but motherhood is not instinctual and is a concept constructed by society. Zini: You see, from a instinctual and biological perspective, the roles of women and men are clearly different based on how they are constructed and their DNA, so each is supposed to not only advance their own generation but also fulfill their responsibilities towards their generation together. Now, you see some animals like penguins, where when they produce an egg, both are supposed to keep that egg until it hatches and then take care of it for a while and then go. Human children need care until about the age of seven, and all the psychotherapy and psychological research shows that a human child not only needs their mother at birth but their hope and emotional structure is also built by being connected to a person who is the main figure in their life. For the proper and healthy growth of a human child towards adulthood, this emotional and physical connection to someone becomes very fundamental. Therefore, if the person who has been pregnant for nine months can continue this duty, how beautiful it is. I mean, if this happens, it is the best, and alongside that, the child's father is also there. I do not hear this sanctification much in many European and Western countries. I only hear it in specific places. I am not so concerned with sanctification as I am with valuing the work. In my opinion, that position is valuable, and we women, because we want to be valued in other areas as well, come to a place where value is given and say no, we do not want it because we want the others. My only point was that we do not want this and we want the others as well. But Ms. Zini, the point that Ms. Amini raised is an important one, and that is that we must see on what basis this sacredness has been formed? We must see whether such a concept has been formed based on equality between women and men in an institution like family and in society or, on the contrary, to stabilize inequality? If it is the latter, on what basis should we welcome it? Zini: You see, when we look at early humans, the role of men was to go hunting, and the role of women was to keep the village and the children and to farm, while men went hunting and returned. Therefore, the role of women and men is equal in terms of rights, but in terms of work and fertility, and the position they were supposed to have was different. As a result, when you look at it overall, you see that this role for women in society, not only as mothers but as women in society, has been to stay in one place and raise children while men went hunting and expanded their world, and when it became economic, they earned money and came back. Nowadays, in the last 100 years, economic issues have changed, and women are advancing alongside men and even ahead of them. But even when women and men were going to work together to run the world's economy, who remains to take care of the child? It is either the mother of the woman or the mother of the husband. Or even if they were placed in daycare, most of those in that space and knowledge were mothers. In all cultures, when you look, you see that this part has gone more towards women. Amini: I agree with a large part of Dr. Zini's remarks. But what is being referred to is the reason for the sacred role that is attributed to motherhood. Perhaps you should say, Ms. Heydari, why is motherhood even a topic in a program like Taboo? In fact, here we face a role that negates other roles of a human unit whose gender has been specified and for whom a role has been predetermined even before birth, and if they act outside of that role, they will lose many social opportunities. This is where we encounter problems with this role. Ignoring this contradiction between the responsibilities and the opportunities that society is supposed to give you with the preconception that this is a blessing you are receiving, so enjoy it and do not criticize it, in my opinion, is overlooking realities that will lead to limitations for all women. The expectations placed on women are not the same as those placed on fathers and their fatherly roles. The expectations placed on women partly relate to their bodies and their feminine duties, and laws are written for them, and cultural and normative frameworks are created for that. It is not so simple that we can say there is a sanctified role. Let's go enjoy it and not criticize it. Dr. Zini, Ms. Amini raised the issue of expectations. The expectations placed on motherhood, the expectations added to the concept of motherhood; how much do these expectations place a psychological burden on women? Should all mothers be associated with concepts such as sacrifice, selflessness, and self-denial, and if they are not, are they considered to lack maternal affection? Zini: This burden is very heavy and comes from everywhere for a mother. I mean, from herself, from her husband, from other women and men, from other mothers, from the televisions and radios that tell how a mother should be, [this] places a very heavy burden on a woman who must become a mother at some point in her life and must do this excellently, and the history and outcomes that her children create in life somehow always rest on her shoulders. I mean, if they succeed, then I did something that helped them succeed, and if they do not succeed, then I must have been a bad mother who did not help them succeed, and these are just feelings. The feeling of pregnancy is created as DNA. Motherhood is a skill, it is not instinct. Well, I want to return to the emotional burden of this topic and ask Ms. Amini whether maternal affection is only manifested with the birth of a child? And is it merely an emotion exclusive to women, and for example, can men not have maternal affection? What personal experience do you have in this regard? Amini: It is very good that you ask about personal experience, dear Fahimeh, because your question must encompass both biological and biological aspects as well as psychological and sociological aspects; I think no one can answer this in such a way. You see, I think the emotional relationships that exist between a parent and a child, to some extent, if as Dr. Zini said, it has been proven that until the age of seven, it either creates self-confidence in the child or meets their basic needs or gives them a sense of security, and if we accept that the best person for this relationship can be the mother, part of this definition is still subject to the teachings and social norms that we have historically inherited in societies. If we refer to cases like having two fathers or two mothers or more equitable division of parental and maternal duties, we see that actually the results have been much fairer and more humane and do not differ significantly from having a parent called a mother devote their entire life to sacrifice or motherhood or anything else for one or several children. When my child was born, I had a teacher who was my literary criticism professor, Ms. Asieh Javadi. One of the things she told me was that you are giving life to a person; it is not supposed to change your life so much that you are no longer you. After 15 years, I told this story to my child, that I often felt guilty for having a child because I traveled a lot and worked, but my teacher's suggestion always echoed in my ears, and my daughter, at 15, told me how happy she was that I had such a teacher. I mean, I want to say that part of what we learn from our surroundings or what we have historically accepted gives us a sense of guilt if we are the same person we should be or were before motherhood. How much of this is possible for our women? Why should men not enjoy the emotional relationship with their child as much as we see a Norwegian, Swedish, or Danish man feeding his child?