Women Proposing to Men: Shifting Norms

Should we choose or be chosen? This is the question that Radio Farda's Society Magazine has posed to various youth groups. Are desire and proposals solely male affairs? Should women never take the initiative in acquaintance, relationships, friendships, or even marriage? Who and where has determined such customs and obligations? Can these social norms be changed? Young women and men interviewed by Radio Farda's Society Magazine say yes, they can. Some even argue that such norms have already been shifted, although a larger segment of society still recognizes them as social taboos. However, the winds of change are blowing in Iranian society. Yet, even those who believe in change have their doubts, anxieties, and concerns. Women feel that the capacity and acceptance of men for them to take the initiative is still not present in Iranian society. One of them voices: "Personally, I believe I should choose rather than be chosen, but I have never directly told someone this because perhaps men do not have the capacity or readiness for it. This could also be because our societal norms do not accept that girls should take the first step, and in some circles, this topic is even considered taboo. From the experiences I've seen among my friends, some have gone directly and said so without any issues, but others have faced comments that had exploitative undertones." She is also concerned about how a woman's value is perceived by men. Does a woman diminish her worth in the eyes of men by choosing her desired partner and proposing to him? "I have seen this a lot and feel that if girls go first and say so, it seems their value in men's minds decreases. I don't know why I feel this way, and I have seen it in some cases. Many people are like this, saying that if this happens, they will claim they were not interested from the start, or if you hadn't insisted, I wouldn't have said I had no interest... Such things. Perhaps one of my main reasons is the fear of hearing such comments." Morteza Motahari, in his book on women's rights in Islam, considers one of the most important factors in maintaining a woman's dignity and respect to be the long-standing custom of men proposing to women. We have all heard at least once that the nature of men is to seek and love, while women are seen as the epitome of coyness, which means that in public belief, proposing is always a task for men. What consequences will breaking this belief have for women who do not accept it? One reader of Radio Farda's Society Magazine in Iran responds: "You see, when the general belief in a society is that it is a man's role, acting against it seems to disrupt the established order. A woman proposing to a man is audacious because it contradicts societal norms. In my opinion, there are no crisis-inducing consequences for that woman after her proposal. She either receives a positive or negative response. From what I have heard from the men around me, they see this as a sign of courage in a woman and are even willing to consider her proposal, but families often do not have a positive attitude towards this issue, and it will take time for this matter to develop its own specific norms in society." There are countless discussion forums and educational channels online with endless questions about the relationship between women and men. In almost all these educational networks, women are advised and taught what qualities to practice to be chosen. There is almost never talk about the skills of choosing for women. Making choices and taking steps in that direction is considered a masculine act, to the extent that such norms also affect men's behavior. Mohammad from Iran shares his experience: "The first time a girl proposed to me was very interesting but also shocking. I was not expecting it at all. I didn't even dare to respond to her proposal. The reason was that she was someone I had always wanted. I really felt unprepared for someone to suddenly come and propose to me; it shocked me, and I didn't want this to happen because I wasn't really ready and felt weak about being caught off guard by her proposal. Eventually, we both made proposals, and in university, the courage and boldness of women were greater, and it was completely an accepted matter, but the truth is that cultures differ from household to household and from language to language. I do not deny that there were those who really did not like this action." Simone de Beauvoir, the famous French writer and feminist, has a well-known quote: "One is not born, but rather becomes a woman." To what extent does Iranian society provide the necessary upbringing and education for the independence of women's personalities? Zahra states that all Iranian upbringing for a woman is focused on the proposal of a suitable man: "The reason our society does not like women to express their emotions is something I have understood in my twenty-some years of living in Iran: a girl, a woman is often raised in Iranian families to have a passive personality, and when a girl is taught from the beginning to be modest and not to do anything that would attract a good suitor. In other words, a girl is taught that she is supposed to show something very good about herself, not that she should do something and have others like her and come forward and propose to her. The peak of a girl's hopes and dreams in Iran is defined by a good suitor, not that she can be a perfect and excellent personality herself." Fariba also speaks of existing gender stereotypes: "I feel that perhaps gender stereotypes prevent girls from speaking directly. For example, that a girl must maintain her pride. Or sometimes not saying directly by a girl is seen as modesty, which I do not accept at all. In my opinion, this should be an equal matter between girls and boys, so that as boys can choose and come forward, girls should also be able to choose easily and express it." However, not all women have a positive experience with boldness, insisting on their right to choose, and taking the initiative. An example? "I do not have the courage because years ago, when I was a student, I indirectly conveyed to someone that I was interested in him, and that person did not establish an emotional relationship with me. Our relationship resulted in a purely sexual relationship, and because of my preconceived notions, I no longer want to tell someone I like them, even if I do, because I am worried they might misunderstand my intentions or that they might have a different goal than an emotional relationship." Nevertheless, the winds of change in values and foundational thoughts have sometimes blown among groups of men as well. Mohammad considers women who are choosers to be strong-willed and praises them: "In general, when I see a woman whose willpower and confidence are so high, I really enjoy it. I think this adds to a woman's attractiveness. I feel how powerful she is, and her confidence is high, or better to say, she can give me strength and confidence. I have always liked powerful female figures whose lives are in their own hands, from Scandinavian shield maidens to the female characters in the Shahnameh in our ancient Iranian myths." Social norms, agreements, habits, behaviors, and beliefs that have been accepted in society, regardless of their correctness or incorrectness, are shifted with the coming and going of different generations. However, to what extent the historical and long-standing custom of men proposing to women still maintains its foundations today, and how much men and women today adhere to it, is a question that still needs to be raised.